Watchmen, Or, in English, Total Sh*t

The Good...

The Bad...

...And The Ugly.

In my last post I spoke of my undying love for the graphic novel Watchmen, written by Alan Moore and illustrated by Dave Gibbons. That undying love continues, but it is now forever bittersweet because of the movie that could have been.

I saw Watchmen on Sunday in IMAX (it was sold out on Friday), and was near trembling with excitement when the yellow-tinted studios came up on the big screen. Finally, I thought, technology has caught up to Watchmen and they can finally make Dr. Manhattan (aka big floating blue guy) look realistic. I also was hopeful for the cast, as I have long respected Patrick Wilson, Matthew Goode, Billy Crudup and Jackie Earle Haley. But alas, it was not to be.

For approximately the first 45 minutes of the 2 hours and 48 minute movie I enjoyed myself in varying ranges from Awesome to Pretty Cool. After 45 minutes the director Zack Snyder's (300) techniques of slow motion and cliched song choices caught up with me and I began to exit from the haze of oblivion. For example, the opening sequence with Jeffrey Dean Morgan as the Comedian being killed, set to the tunes of Nat King Cole's "Unforgettable" felt almost perfect and loyal to the book. The slow motion fighting sequences seemed to make the most sense then, because of both the song choice and the ability for the audience to gaze at one of the most important character's apartment as he is being killed to look for clues.

However, once I realized that every single fight and/or sex scene would have slow motion in it, I became quite bored. By overusing the slow motion Zack Snyder made all the action sequences almost commonplace with one another instead of making each one different and unique.

I can't pinpoint exactly when I started disliking the movie, but I can tell you the point where I lost all hope and just wanted to cry out of frustration because they were ruining it, and it was painfully obvious. Well, two points in the movie really. When Nite Owl (Patrick Wilson) and Silk Spectre (Malin Akerman) are going to rescue Rorschach (Jackie Earle Haley) from prison, Silk Spectre lands on the roof in a duck pose, with her hands out stretched behind her, gazing up at Archie, the Nite Owl's flying owl hovercraft. I rolled my eyes so hard I immediately got a headache. The second point was again with Nite Owl and Silk Spectre, when they decide to return to superhero-dom and put on their suits to see if anyone needs rescuing. The whole point of Watchmen is not to bask in superhero glory a la Spiderman or Superman and see good guys rescue people and punish bad guys; rather, it's about how deeply messed up people would be if they actually attempted to rescue humanity- intense psychological profiles made the graphic novel come alive, not Nite Owl and Silk Spectre rescuing people from a burning building. Furthermore, the movie gave the characters superhero qualities that they did not have in the book. For example, Rorschach had the ability to leap approximately 20-ish feet into the air in the movie while in the book he is just a "normal" crazy guy. Perhaps they were trying to appeal to the largest audience, but if they were going to do that then they should have focused on making a totally different movie and not ruining a geek classic.

I should also mention that Malin Akerman does not know how to act her way out of a latex catsuit. Her performance, or lack thereof, was even more forced than Kirsten Dunst in the Spiderman trilogy.

After I saw the film I became obsessed with recasting Watchmen with a realistic yet still dream cast. I felt the most successful characters in the movie were Silk Spectre 1 (Carla Gugino- she is Silk Spectre's mother), Rorschach and the Comedian- they played their parts perfectly without being over-the-top or bad actors, and I can't imagine anyone else playing those roles as well as they did. So let's start with the worst:

Malin Akerman as Silk Spectre II: Man, she really cannot act. I couldn't decide whether to laugh or cry when she was onscreen because I felt sorry for her and yet she was just so bad I almost couldn't watch. She couldn't have been less convincing as her character or more annoying. In the book, Silk Spectre is at times annoying because she is basically a kept woman for the most powerful man on the planet in order to keep him from detaching completely from humanity- which is quite a lot of pressure to put on one's shoulders, so you understand her personality quirks. Here, they gloss over that in seemingly two sentences and she comes off as a man-crazed selfish whiner. My dream casting for her would be Jennifer Garner. Yes, she's been in Elektra, but save for that she has the toughness, vulnerability and naturally great looks and body that would be perfect for Silk Spectre.

Patrick Wilson as Nite Owl was a huge disappointment for me. I thought he was the perfect casting, but unfortunately he took a character who is stuck in the past and vulnerable to any sort of change or confidence and took it to the extreme of a whiny sourpuss. He was downright pitiful in some scenes, and in no way is he like that in le book. My dream casting for him would be Jake Gyllenhaal- he looks the part and I think he could be vulnerable without being a whiner, a huge advantage over Patrick.

Matthew Goode as Ozymandias, the world's smartest man, was wrong from the voice to the eyebrow wigs to the Ozy nipples. Matthew is a lean and very attractive gentleman, and Ozy is supposed to be a pretty big guy- not like the Comedian, but certainly as built as Dr. Manhattan or Nite Owl, and Ozy wasn't. His performance seemed to be detached in a way that he was in a different movie from everyone else- his affected voice seemed more suited for Shakespeare instead of Watchmen. My dream casting for him would be Aaron Eckhart, who is built, has a voice made for command, and (important) is naturally blonde. I could buy him as the world's smartest man who works in conjunction with Dr. Manhattan, while Matthew seemed more suited as a prep school smartypants.

And finally, Dr. Manhattan, as played by Billy "Douchebag" Crudup (Full disclosure: I've barely been able to watch him on film since he left his 7 months pregnant girlfriend Mary-Louise Parker for Claire Danes several years ago. That being said, I still thought he could pull it off). The worst part about Dr. Manhattan wasn't necessarily his fault- in almost every scene the CGI wizards gave him a huge dangling penis that was both distracting and unnecessary. In the book he shows it maybe twice, and it's not a huge deal, while on film they forego his usual underpants in favor of a cheap distraction. The worst part of his performance was Billy's voice, which was way too high and unconvincing for a nuclear-powered superhuman. The natural choice for me would be Jon Hamm, who not only has the voice but he looks like he could have been a nuclear physicist from that time period while Billy looks like a goofy eared sidekick.

Oh, Watchmen. I felt so incredibly depressed when it was over. I had spent the last 45 minutes of the film trying to look away because I knew it was a lost cause and I had a huge headache. If only the writers, director and actors had actually gave a sh*t, or just scrapped the project altogether, this disaster could have been saved or at least swept away. Fun fact: this is what my post would have looked like if "The Dark Knight" had sucked.

Most Underrated Performances of the Year

5. Emma Thompson- Brideshead Revisited

She is in total command of her character and even though she is in just precious few scenes she leaves a lasting impact that causes the audience to wish there was a prequel just about her.

4. Aaron Eckhart- The Dark Knight

Heath Ledger stole the show in the movie, but Eckhart's transition as a good but flawed District Attorney seeking to fight corruption at any cost into a monster is as believable as anything else in the film.

3. Cate Blanchett- The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

I can't believe that her performance isn't getting its due this year; usually she's an awards show favorite. While this part does perhaps not have the likability nor the character arc of Benjamin Button, Cate brings something pure into the part; and she matches Brad and proves to be the perfect love for him; indeed, it is easy to why he was in love with her for all those years as the audience comes to be as well.

2. Brad Pitt- Burn After Reading

He lights up the few scenes he's in with a jolt of electricity that's different from any other part I've seen him in, even Thelma & Louise so long ago, and when he leaves the screen were it not for Frances McDormand's brilliance, Burn After Reading would not be as well received as it has been.

1. Emile Hirsch- Milk

I had just watched him in Into the Wild about two weeks before I saw this movie and man has he proven himself to be a brilliant actor just in these two performances. Totally different in almost every way, he puts life and charisma into each and has all the qualities of a young actor about to explode. Shia be damned, Emile is far more talented and deserves all the attention he gets.

Breakout of the Year:
Hayley Atwell for Cassandra's Dream, starring Ewan MacGregor and Colin Farrell and directed by Woody Allen; and Brideshead Revisited, starring Matthew Goode and Ben Whishaw and directed by Julian Jarrold.

Fresh out of drama school, this young and uncommonly beautiful British actress has had one crazy year. Getting to star with actors the caliber of Michael Gambon, Emma Thompson, Colin and Ewan would be a dream for one's lifetime, but not twice in one year. When she bursts onto screen in Cassandra she is so luminous and fresh that it seems ridiculous that she's done so few movies and is only now being discovered, but it seems that Atwell has hit at just the right time.

She plays the desired woman in both movies and creates an erotic tension that vibrates off of the screen with barely a kiss to be seen. For such a young actress, it is genuinely exciting to watch her and see the incredible career that she has ahead of her.

Photo found on Google Images

The Dark Knight

As a lifetime movie lover, I find it a rare occurrence that a movie lives up to my expectations. Even rarer does it surpass them even after years of waiting, and The Dark Knight does this as a sequel. It is a well known fact that sequels are often crap, and The Dark Knight seemingly had all the chances to be so: Batman Begins was a new breed of superhero movie, TDK's main villain passed in real life, and there was an actor change from the now infamous Katie Holmes to the blockbuster virgin Maggie Gyllenhaal.

Instead, TDK surpasses your expectations. I say your because there is no way, no comic book or movie nerd who exists, who could have had higher expectations than me. I had been looking forward to this movie since Batman Begins ended, and my anxiety reached a fever pitch once it was announced that Heath Ledger was to become the Joker. All in all, about three years of waiting.

The actors are so good in TDK that Christian Bale as Batman/Bruce Wayne seems almost a supporting character in the rich plot of twisting evil: creating evil vs. becoming it. As always, it seems, his skills shine as he creates a flawed and impossibly righteous man who creates a superhero and skirts the line of right and wrong; justice-server and vigilante.

Gary Oldman as Gordon plays a larger role in the movie and it serves him well- at points he reminded me of Ian McKellan in the Lord of the Rings trilogy, and he continues to be the moral center of the movie. Michael Caine and Morgan Freeman reprise their roles as Alfred and Lucius Fox respectively, and they are fabulous as always.

The replacement of Ms Holmes with Ms Gyllenhaal does not amount to as much as I had hoped for, because as with all superhero movies it seems, the lady takes a backseat to the plot and the action. She does have the advantage, however, of creating, in my humble and correct opinion, the most interesting, real and strong female character to support a superhero in a movie, thereby cinematically kicking Gwyneth Paltrow in the face.

I was most surprised by the performance of Aaron Eckhart as Harvey Dent, Gotham DA. I believed in Eckhart as an actor, but he truly transformed himself into the righteous a-hole who is twisted away from his goals both by himself, circumstances out of his control, and his drive for true justice. Because while Batman is righteous as well, he has the luxury of public apathy, while Dent lives his life totally in the public sphere with no secrets.

You know that a movie is something special when even the smallest of supporting roles are meaty: William Fichtner as the mob bank manager turns his image 180 degrees around by kicking butt, and Eric Roberts, brother of le Julia, is surprisingly controlled, convincing, and dare I say perfect as the mob boss Moscone.

Finally, there is the late Heath. I have been parasocially in love with him since I was approximately 12, or whenever 10 Things I Hate About You came out. I thought he was something special back then, and he truly delivers on all of the hoopla surrounding his final completed role. He is intense, intelligent, brutal, and hilarious, the latter being the main case in proving his humanity- that he actually is human, and not just a total monster. When I saw La Vie En Rose after Marion Cotillard won the Best Actress Oscar, I said that without her extraordinary makeup and lip-synching there was something missing in her performance. What she was missing Ledger owns. He becomes the Joker to a chilling degree, and while he is not so charismatic as to have the audience cheering for him, no one wishes him a quick and unsatisfying death either. My main goal for the movie season will be to see the other four movies that will contain his competition for Best Supporting Actor, to prove that it is his performance that deserves the award, not the sadness so many felt from an actor being taken before his time.

Overall TDK delivers on all and any promises, and I give it
/5 Stars for Entertainment Value;


/ 5 Stars for Goodness/ Award-worthiness.