In News That Should Never Happen, But Is...

Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen, a movie that currently has a 21% positive rating on Rotten Tomatoes (145 Rotten; 38 Fresh) is possibly on track to surpass The Dark Knight in total earnings over a five-day period. TDK earned $203.8 million dollars in five days, and T2 has made $126 million in three days.

Now, I'm not one to let critics decide for me whether or not a movie is good or absolutely, brain-softeningly horrible (I'm a rebel), but, and this is for the general public: I MEAN, COME ON! I have not seen the first movie or the cartoon and I never intended to see this movie, and I can tell it's bad. You know why? 1. Michael Bay is the director (for evidence, see IMDB). 2 Megan Fox, the lone she-wolf of the film, has publicly come out and said "I don't want to blow smoke up people's ass. People are well aware that this is not a movie about acting." 3. It's a movie about robots. That can turn into things.

Don't get me wrong, I loveee blockbusters. Independence Day, Armageddon, throw 'em at me! But people should not be so desperate this weekend as to give this kind of money to T2 in lieu of other movies that are out. Here's what happens: Explosions, not-long-enough glimpses of Megan Fox, Shia LaBeouf desperately trying to act but failing, robots fighting each other, and then something anti-climactic happens at the end so they can make another movie. The end.

In short, if someone tells you they're going to see T2 this weekend, recommend the Hangover, or Up, or even Terminator: Salvation. Just don't recommend My Sister's Keeper, I have a feeling that it's going to blow all the other movies out of the sky (by slowly drowning them in tears) and make $500 million in five days. Too high, you say? Well even it has a 49% rating on Rotten Tomatoes.

... Bad News Last.

Please, brace yourselves. I almost had a tear in my eye when I read the next two stories, so you have been warned. Everything horrible and materialistic and unoriginal in Hollywood has now come true, and these stories are just another indicator that Hollywood will flush out anything for a buck.

First up, the horror known as Mission: Impossible 3 is now suddenly seen as "hot", what with JJ Abrams's star now on a huge rise because of the success of Star Trek (he directed both movies). In MI3 Tom played a married to Michelle Monaghan Ethan Hunt who has to rescue his former protege (Keri Russell) and face the ultimate bad guy (Philip Seymour Hoffman in another horribly miscast role). They threw so much in that plot that I thought it was physically impossible to construct another because they had literally done everything. When you're watching the movie, at one point you think it's done but then you realize you still have another 45 minutes to go and you just want to die. That's not good foreshadowing for MI4. Tom has decided he wants JJ back as a producer (a small relief) and that they are already working on the plot/script. Unless John Woo is directing (MI2 was explosive and loving it) you can count me out of going anywhere near theaters when this is released.

Next, do you remember that movie franchise that everyone loved and then George Lucas came in and just had to make a sequel to "continue the story" (make more money)? No, I'm not talking about Star Wars, I'm talking about Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, the movie so sh*tty it created a new term in the cultural lexicon "nuking the fridge." Similar to TV's "jumping the shark", "nuking the fridge" happens when a movie has passed all believability and really doesn't care anymore. At one point in IJ4 Indiana stumbles upon a nuclear test site and hides in a fridge as a bomb is detonated less than 1000 feet away. After it has exploded he even exits the fridge to create a cool shot filled with radiation poisoning. Besides the fact that the movie just seemed like a ploy to make even more money by introducing Shia LaBeouf as his son (who can't act), it wasted the fans' glorious memories of the three films that came before it, and somehow made Cate Blanchett look like a bad actress (nearly impossible). Not only that, but the "surprise" at the end, where the thing they've been searching for the whole time is revealed, actually turns out to be real aliens, and the "treasure" that Indy has spent the last 90 minutes searching for is knowledge. KNOWLEDGE. Lucas clearly has no respect for movie audiences anymore and Spielberg and Ford must have been, respectively, so far up Lucas's bum and desperately wanting a better retirement pension that they made this movie. And now they're making another one. With Shia to star.

What have we learned? Despite horrible critical reviews and disappointing box office returns (both movies made tons of money but not as much as expected for two proven franchises, especially IJ4), the show will go on for these horrible, horrible ideas. I'm so mad that I don't even want to rent this sure-to-be-pieces-of-garbage. Maybe someday Hollywood will grow a conscience and let things lie in the grave they built for themselves.

Image found via Google.