Blockbuster Rundown: X-Men Origins: Wolverine vs. Star Trek vs. Terminator: Salvation

The three most prototypical blockbuster movies to come out so far, all focusing on rebooting old franchises and providing lots of action with minimal female involvement are X-Men Origins: Wolverine, Star Trek & Terminator: Salvation (heretofore known as W, ST & TS). I had highest hopes for W, being that I love Hugh Jackman (but really, who hates him?) and thoroughly enjoyed two out of the three X-Men movies (X-Men 3, is shameful at best). I had a very low hopes for ST because I am not a Trekkie and feel lukewarm feelings toward JJ Abrams because of how he ruins things when he gets bored with them (Vampire zombies on Alias, the decline of Lost, the all-out rape and murder of MI:III etc.). I had nonexistent feelings for TS because I apparently have not seen the first Terminator nor did I subject myself to T3, and I thought it was odd that Christian Bale would charge himself with rebooting yet another franchise in such a visible role.

My belated New Year's Resolution was to try and not watch movie trailers, because I noticed they were taking away the surprise of seemingly every movie I saw. The Curious Case of Benjamin Button really did me in, because though the movie is 2.5 hours long, they apparently showed little snapshots of all the main sequences of the movie, including ones that should have been left to surprise such as the de-aging of Brad Pitt and his exploration of hotness while on a motorcycle. I was able to completely avoid seeing the movie trailers for all three of these blockbusters, and I have to say it's really nice to feel genuine surprise when watching a movie. So basically, my hopes from paragraph one about each of the movies was just from me knowing the bare bones plot and stars of each film. Please note, spoilers from each movie ahead, please don't hate me if your eyes stray and find out something you don't want to know.

Let's start with W even though I saw it second of the three. As you can tell by his aggressive stance in the poster, Hugh Jackman is very angry about something. In a remarkable twist of fate he is born sickly and the man he thinks is his father is not. The man who actually is his father ends up killing the pretend father, of course then prompting Hugh as a young child to kill his real father and exhibit his powers for the first time, but instead of metal coming from his hands they are disgusting bone (it's really gross). He then runs away from home with his brother, later played by Liev Schreiber, and they go on to fight every main war together, all the while staying alive and not aging because they both have healing properties that suggest immortality. They eventually are selected for an elite fighting unit and join other mutants to perform black ops jobs. During this time Hugh becomes increasingly concerned that Liev is too aggressive, so he eventually quits the black ops team (which includes Ryan Reynolds in an all-too-brief highlight of the movie and [sigh] rapper will.i.am) in Africa, and Hugh begins a "normal" life as a lumberjack in Canada with a lady to boot.

Fast forward several years and dubious plot explanations later (where Wolverine got his nickname- much dumber and less straightforward than you think) and suddenly Hugh thinks Liev has killed his lady and will stop at nothing to kill him, despite the fact that they both share the same immortality-esque genes. So Hugh undergoes the famous adamantium injections to turn his bone extensions into metal extensions, almost dies, escapes in the nude without showing full frontal (sigh), eventually finds out his lady's alive, introduces far more possible spin-off characters along the way and finally is at the climax of Three Mile Island where apparently the settled-on bad guy William Stryker keeps mutants hidden because no one goes poking around nuclear sites. Righttttt. An epic battle ensues where at first Hugh and Liev are fighting and then they put brotherly squabbles aside ("Back to Back!") to join forces against the ultimate soldier Deadpool, a combination of multiple mutants in a similar bodily form of Ryan Reynolds who can do all kinds of crazy things. Long story short, Hugh saves the mutants but not his lady, is shot by Stryker with adamantium which removes his memory, is unresolved with his brother and possibly (?) beheads Deadpool.

I could tell the movie would be bad during the during credits montage of the wars they were involved in, but how bad is remarkable. Liev really overacts to an impressive extent here, and Hugh, despite being the best part of the movie (which is not saying much) is still brought down by the horrible direction and bile-infested script. The movie seems more eager to introduce more spinoff characters than to explore what it means to be Wolverine, as he sometimes feels like a sideshow to the main act of mutants doing their crazy tricks. Most of the battle sequences are totally unrealistic, including one where Hugh basically punches out a helicopter. It might be fun to watch if it wasn't so achingly bad to listen to, and if you didn't realize how much money the movie made and that some of the actors are clearly taking it very seriously. I would feel bad for Hugh because not only is he the star but he is the producer, but the movie made so much money and is having at least two sequels with just him, not counting two other possible spin-off characters, that I just feel bad for the future audiences.

Star Trek tells the story of how Captain James T. Kirk and Spock came to be, starring Chris Pine and Zachary Quinto of Heroes as the anchors of this reboot. Apparently during his younger years Kirk felt the need to rebel for his late father's selfless heroics by being an a-hole, driving a car off a cliff, getting in fights and chasing the ladies. In spite of his rebellion the current captain of the Enterprise sees his father's good qualities in him and suggests he try out for Starfleet where his ego inevitably clashes with Spock. Quinto's Spock is the real star of this movie and I really can't praise him enough- if he plays his cards right he may well become a superstar. The bare bones plot is that Kirk quickly ascends and correctly predicts a crisis on the planet Vulcan by a crazy Romulan (Eric Bana) who has taken tattooed inspiration from Mike Tyson. There are some cliches throughout the movie, the most annoying being the shaky cam that has become so popular post-Bourne. It doesn't really make sense if two characters are just talking and the cameraman has a case of Parkinson's. Also, there is a near-constant reflective light that is on screen whenever they're on the Enterprise, which breaks the fourth wall and is distracting at best, especially for the amount they do it. There is far too much Tyler Perry- he should have never been given such a large speaking role- but Leonard Nimoy was a necessary addition as he provided a clean transition from the old to the new. (The good thing about the cameos is that there are four from Alias. I nearly cried with happiness).

Considering I'm not a Trekkie I thoroughly enjoyed myself but with major hesitations. Anton Yelchin's Chekhov is so annoying that I couldn't believe he received so much screen time and there are some lowest-common-denominator humor sequences that seemed unnecessary (oh, he hit his head on the low ceiling, how hilarious). Also, how the hell does the Golden Gate Bridge still exist when this takes place? But I digress. Star Trek does not deserve the astronomically high rating it's received on Rotten Tomatoes, but it is enjoyable and worth the price of admission, and Quinto and Pine will probably make a great team together in the years to come.

And finally, Terminator: Salvation. Christian Bale plays John Connor, son of Linda Hamilton in T2 and supposed savior of Earth from the machines. Apparently he can't get over the Dark Knight, because his much-discussed gravelly voice has survived the franchise switch and he growls in every scene, even though by no means is it necessary (it's just distracting). Even though he is the star and his character is the most important to the series, the film opens and is subsequently stolen by Aussie actor Sam Worthington, pictured below at right.

He is a double-murderer about to be lethally injected when a terrifying-looking Helena Bonham Carter comes and asks him if he will donate his body to science, possibly to help her solve her cancer. He agrees and is killed, and once the film fast forwards to the future we see his well-preserved body in a cave where Connor and his crew are investigating the new possibility of robot- one that looks eerily similar to a human. Just as Connor goes to tell command and leaves the cave, the robots drop a nuclear bomb at his site, killing his crew and launching an all-out assault on the area. Connor survives by flying away, and we are left with the image of Worthington exiting the cave screaming, in the nude and covered in mud, not knowing anything but the past.

Besides killing the terminators John Connor is fixated on finding his father, the young man he transports back in time and ends up shacking up with Ms. Hamilton. Worthington reaches him, played by Star Trek's Anton Yelchin, before Connor, and with Worthington thinking it's still the 1990s, has no idea that evil robots are self-aware and have taken over the world. Yelchin saves him and together along with a child sidekick the trio try to find the Resistance. After some crazy fights and a run-in with Kramer vs. Kramer's Jane Alexander (still fabulous!) Anton is captured by a mega-terminator who takes him and other hostages to Skynet headquarters, leaving Worthington to find Connor himself. He runs into a downed pilot (Moon Bloodgood- absolutely stunning, sexy and apparently she can act well) who takes him to Connor.

There it is discovered that he is not himself- that he is (although you were trying your best not to believe the obvious all along) the terminator that Connor discovered in the cave- that he is robot, but with a human heart, brain, and skin. He is captured and tortured, though being a robot this has little effect on him. Eventually Moon helps him to escape and he returns to Skynet where his worst fears are confirmed- he is a robot, though he still fights for his inner human. He heals himself and catches up on what's happened while he's been in a nuclear daze and decides to help the Resistance by rescuing Connor (who's now been captured) as well as the many other humans who are trapped. He does this and ends up saving Connor's life, proving to himself and to the others that although he has robot parts his identity as a human has been maintained.

To my utter disbelief, I hated Christian Bale in this movie. Apart from his voice he seemed to be scatterbrained in his character I found myself sighing whenever he was onscreen. On the other hand, Worthington was an explosion of all things good. He used his screen time wisely and outshone every actor and special effect in the movie. At the end I was wishing he was cast as John Connor, but it could have been that I just wanted to see more of him. The movie itself was sub-par, but that's because I have no patience when it comes to robots. How do they not rust? Why don't they just spray acid on them or melt them? It was nice to see a cameo from Ahnold and have the classic line "I'll be back" come back. The addition of Bryce Dallas Howard as Connor's pregnant wife was an absolute letdown-they had zero chemistry together and I'm not sure why she keeps getting cast in movies. In my opinion the movie was saved from absolute mediocrity by Worthington and to a smaller extent Bloodgood (she's in few scenes). I don't know how they're going to sequels to this without Worthington, but it's almost a guarantee they will suck. Bale should stick to The Dark Knight and occasionally drink some water.

Here are my starred reviews of the movie (out of five):

Wolverine: Entertaining: One star, Goodness/Award-worthy: O stars
Star Trek: Entertaining: 3.5 stars, Goodness/Award-worthy: 2.5 stars, Replay value: 2.5 stars
Terminator: Entertaining: 3 stars, Goodness/Award-worthy: 2 stars

Images found on Google.

A Stripper Smackdown Redux

A few months ago, after watching Striptease with Demi Moore for the first time and receiving Showgirls: The Ultimate Edition as a gift, I decided to compare the two movies and see which was indeed the ultimate stripper movie. After a hard fought fight, Showgirls was the victor. After endlessly scouring the internets, I have found these two clips of the movies that help illustrate my point. The first clip is of Striptease, showing one of the many scenes involving Demi dancing to an Annie Lennox song, as well as the classy but not stripper-esque outfits. The second clip is of my favorite scene in Showgirls, when Nomi (Elizabeth Berkley) is training to be in the Vegas show "Goddess." Ironically, the Striptease clip is more NSFW than the Showgirls one. Please enjoy.

A Stripper Smackdown: Showgirls vs. Striptease

I finally watched Striptease for the first time after becoming the proud owner of Showgirls: The V.I.P. Edition and I was not disappointed; but rather, I was intrigued as to a) who would win in a stripper showdown and b) which movie is the deserved go-to stripper camp classic?

Showgirls has the street-cred, if you will: The NC-17 rating, the now legendary Razzie status that directly led to the creation of the V.I.P. DVD collection (which includes the DVD, 2 shotglasses, a blindfold, 2 nipple tassles, a poster of Nomi, a deck of playing cards and collectible cards featuring drinking games and fun facts), and the appeal of having a Saved-by-the-Bell alum in its cast.

Striptease, while it received notoriety upon its release, has faded into the unpleasant memories of Demi Moore and Burt Reynolds fans (do they have fans? I would like to buy them a drink or twelve). And, to be fair, the movie is a bit of a tease, as it only briefly shows breasts, though it shows plenty of erotic dancing (I wouldn't really call it stripping if it's to Annie Lennox- but more about that later).

Let the Stripdown commence!













Dance sequences: Striptease has introspective dance grinds to the soaring voice of Annie Lennox (not my pick for arousal) which show brief flashes of obviously fake breasts and lipo-ed tummy. Demi (Erin Grant) barely even dances on the pole, unlike Nomi, who as you can see...

Licks it! In the dance sequences, Nomi (Elizabeth Berkley) not only licks the disgusting pole, but goes down to an uncomfortably high-thong in her solo and then goes to down to full nude in her joint dance scene with "Hope" ("Nobody wants to f*** a Penny, they want to f*** a Hope"). The girl-on-girl grinding is nothing short of revolutionary (the grunts put Venus and Serena to shame) until the first omygodisthisreallyhappening moment. Nomi gives future husband of Charlotte on Sex and the City Kyle MacLachlan the lap dance of the century (quote me). Not only is Gina Gershon watching the lap dance go down (pun!) but she appears more interested than Kyle until the finish, if you know what I mean. I will spare my poor audience the grainy details, but let's just say the scene is totally realistic and lasts for way too long and inspires the term "the dolphin" which is put into play later in the movie. Also, it shows Elizabeth is willing to do literately anything if even a whiff of an Oscar is in her nostrils.

Score: Showgirls has to win, though Striptease gets major bonus points for the ballsiness of some producer forcing the Lennox songs to be the strip songs.

Showgirls: 10, Striptease: 7

Notably surprising performances: Striptease features a cast including Rumer Willis playing herself. She is surprisingly adorable as a child and I will venture today to say that this will be her best performance, all time. Just stop while you're ahead.

Showgirls features the talents of lesbian icon Gina Gershon as the only person who realizes how trashtastic the movie's going to be and the aforementioned Kyle who has had a surprisingly Showgirls-resilient career. Gina's character Cristal has her own drinking game (based on how many times she says "darlin,'" easily 100+ times) and Kyle is the star of the lap dance and the sex sequence of the movie, so kudos to him.

Score: Striptease wins for recognizing the non-talent of Rumer by allowing her to play herself.

Showgirls total: 16; Striptease total 17

Movie's Message: Erin the character is the hated stripper with the heart of gold, who is just stripping to pay legal costs so she can get her daughter back (If only Harrison Ford had to do this in Air Force One or the Jack Ryans they would be MUCH better movies). Showgirls does not front; it's all t&a with no corny message except for perhaps watch your stuff so it doesn't get stolen? Maybe watch out in general, since some characters take a tumble based on revenge.

Score: Tie. I hate heart-of-gold storylines and Showgirls doesn't really have a plot except for "Hey, watch this girl get naked in pursuit of being able to call herself a halfway-legitimate dancer." But do not despair, they're both great to watch.

Showgirls total: 21; Striptease total: 22

And finally, the most important categories for a campy stripper movie:

Costumes and One-liners: The costumes of Striptease are resplendent. There is the gold Leia-esque bikini in the picture shown above, along with thigh-high white go-go boots and a white fur skirt. Demi is one classy stripper, ladies and gentlemen.

On the other hand, the costumes of Showgirls are tres-declasse. The thongs are wide and way too high up on the hips, and the outfits for the Goddess stage show are minimal except for the occasional bead or biker get-up, as the prime motivator here is t&a.

Score: Striptease in a landslide.

Showgirls total: 23; Striptease total: 32

My favorite one-liner from Striptease was "You can feel it squish," which refers to the vaseline Burt Reynolds has smeared all over his body while wearing nothing but a cowboy hat, leather vest, cowboy boots and briefs. The runner-up is also from Burt (a career role to behold): "Well I'm afraid I made love to it," which refers to a piece of lint formerly belonging to Demi's clothes from a dryer that Burt obtained. Enjoy that mental picture.

Showgirls is awash in one-liners and quotes (context truly unnecessary). "I'm erect, why aren't you erect?" "You can f*** me when you love me." "Thrust it!" "I bet you don't miss having people c*** on you." "I can't even thread a needle!" There are really no words (except these) to describe the cinematic experience that is Showgirls, so you just have to watch it for yourself.

Winner: Because of it's too-good-to-be-true dialogue and everything on the line performance by Berkley as well as the explosive t&a, Showgirls is correctly rewarded the Stripper Movie Crown of Shame. It goes places R-rated movies can't even imagine and then goes even further, somehow. Striptease is not to be forgotten, however, and is a worthy, but much more timid and classy, adversary. Both are strongly advised to be rentals. A Night with Strippers! How lovely!

Ending score: 53- Showgirls; 32: Striptease.

Images found on Google Images