So Much to be Thankful For:

Example No. 1: This video from last week's 30 Rock, where LIz Lemon's all-to-brief acting career is revealed in this perfect commercial for 1-900-OK FACE. 30 Rock is almost always funny, and this clip puts it over the top as one of the best things ever. Please enjoy.



"I remember her. She cried allllll day."- Liz Lemon.

Video found on Best Week Ever; via NBC.com.

Predictable RHoNYC News

The Countess deLesseps, aka Luann, is divorcing her much older husband Alex after it was found out he was cheating on her... in Switzerland! All the info was supplied to Page Six from "a source" (aka Luann or Kelly Killoren Bensimmon) and it seems quite ironic after the way Luann took offense at Ramona thinking Alex was in his late sixties (which, to be fair, he looks every bit of it). I hope that this is the shard that will break her Botoxed face, because this whole season it looked like her perfect veneer would snap any second, and finally she has a reason to either have a total meltdown and become the crazy person she was meant to be or relax, get on with her life and find a more age appropriate man. Three single housewives in the cast! Too bad they're not filming now! At least next season will be fire, and I can't wait to hear what Bethenny has to say, and Ramona, who basically called it.

Article via AOL News.

MTV to Not Suck From 3 - 9 AM

The channel once known as Music Television will be returning to the old glory days of music videos between the hours of 3 and 9 am, calling it "AMTV" and an "advertising experiment." Maybe MTV's finally realized that older viewers (like me) miss the wonder of music videos and have decided to backhandedly reward us- we get our music videos, but we either have to stay up really late or wake up at 8. The hours of 8-9 would make a great time to groove to as you are getting ready for work though. Kudos, MTV, for finally doing something kind of right. Maybe this "advertising experiment" will work in the viewers' favor and MTV will take out a few hours of primetime "reality" programming to give us some more videos.

Article via the New York Times.

Sharpen Those Stilettos...

Here is a picture I found of the cast of the sure-to-be-legendary Real Housewives of New Jersey. I'm not saying that I'm moving to New Jersey to stalk these women, but let's just say I've booked my ticket on the Jersey Express. The lowdown I have so far is that the season is premiering Tuesday, May 12th (I've already marked it on my calendar), three of the castmates are related (two are sisters, one is sister-in-law: aka Italian catfights!), one has a house with onyx decor, and one was the 14th person in the country to receive an American Express Black card (and the first woman in New Jersey to do so). It looks like there's only one single castmate, but you never know where the chips will fall, or in New Jersey's case, where in the state it will smell.

I really hope this show lives up to my expectations. And my expectations are: Lots of Juicy Couture sweatsuits; Lots of talk about "The Shore"; Lots of finger-wagging, eyebrow-dying, borderline Italian stereotypes shouting about; Lots of people yelling "Jerseyyyyyyyy" in the background or at least one person calling it "Dirty Jerz". A few Guido children circa "My New F-in' Haircut" wouldn't hurt either (see video below). Basically, my plea to the RHoNJ is: Bring the drama. BRING IT. Don't let Jersey down.

Language NSFW:

Watch My New Haircut on CollegeHumor

Image via ET Online. Video via College Humor.

Crush of the Month- March

My Crush for the month of March is a landslide. The honor now belongs to the dazzling Penelope Cruz, who last month won her first Oscar for the wonderful Vicky Cristina Barcelona (wonderful because of her). This month, I re-watched the movie and was even more impressed with her performance. I also watched Elegy (also starring Ben Kingsley- and highly recommended) for the first time, and was completely blown away both by her acting and her physicality. The movie would be wonderful even without her partial nude scenes, but they are at the very least an awakening (she has the best breasts I've ever seen... and I've seen some great breasts). Her wonderful speech and dress at the Oscars and her two brilliant performances, as well as her timeless looks give Ms. Penelope Cruz this month's Crush of the Month. Enjoy.

Cue JC Chasez's "Some Girls (Dance with Women)"

Images found via Google Images.

Just Because

A blast from the past: Jennifer Garner and Michael Vartan (working the sh*t out of a turtleneck) from Alias publicity shots. Oh, heaven.


Images via Google.

You're Welcome

Here's some booty-shaking greatness to get you ready for the weekend (you probably shouldn't be eating, or looking at yourself naked, or trying to pleasure yourself while watching this f.y.e.). Man, if I had dance moves this hot Colin Farrell would be begging me for it. But unfortunately, he's on his knees at this lucky lady's house. You go girl! (actually lady).

Meh News of the Day

Andy Samberg, my almost Crush of the Year '08, will be hosting this year's MTV Movie Awards held on May 31st. I currently have mixed feelings as to whether to become excited or not. On one hand, when Andy is on he is on, but when he's not he fails loudly. To boot, MTV awards shows have become such trite bullsh*t that I always end up questioning my intelligence after watching them.

However, I've grown up with them, and they're sort of a desperate, trying-way-too-hard-to-still-be-relevant institution, and it's my obligation as a complainer to watch them and relish "the good old days" of MTV, if there ever really were any. I doubt I'll be liveblogging them, because so far I haven't been able to transfer tears onto the screen yet (or else my Watchmen post would have been soaked), but I will certainly have a wrap-up of the ultimate failure they will be, even if Andy is funny. Let's hope Justin Timberlake is free that night.

Image found via Google.

Speaking of Movies I Couldn't Care Less About...

Per EW, Sam Raimi, Tobey Maguire and the whole rest of the tired gang have a release date for their sure to be horrible, ultimate sell-out of a movie provocatively titled "Spiderman 4." Be sure to mark your calendars for May 6th, 2011, and call all of your friends who still care (all none of them) to go with you, if you can stomach another movie after your obligatory 1-3 marathon. I certainly can't. Oh, and I'm pretty sure the tagline "His biggest battle has yet to come" has more to do with the audience returning in the same numbers rather than, say, battling three people at once as he did in S3. Maybe they'll just give up and throw all the Marvel villains in like The Matrix 2 fighting sequence with tons of Mr. Smiths surrounding Neo. Maybe Spiderman is Neo... (that would explain everything, I've long assumed that a movie can only be a hit if Keanu Reeves was in it).

Image found via Google Images.

Watchmen, Or, in English, Total Sh*t

The Good...

The Bad...

...And The Ugly.

In my last post I spoke of my undying love for the graphic novel Watchmen, written by Alan Moore and illustrated by Dave Gibbons. That undying love continues, but it is now forever bittersweet because of the movie that could have been.

I saw Watchmen on Sunday in IMAX (it was sold out on Friday), and was near trembling with excitement when the yellow-tinted studios came up on the big screen. Finally, I thought, technology has caught up to Watchmen and they can finally make Dr. Manhattan (aka big floating blue guy) look realistic. I also was hopeful for the cast, as I have long respected Patrick Wilson, Matthew Goode, Billy Crudup and Jackie Earle Haley. But alas, it was not to be.

For approximately the first 45 minutes of the 2 hours and 48 minute movie I enjoyed myself in varying ranges from Awesome to Pretty Cool. After 45 minutes the director Zack Snyder's (300) techniques of slow motion and cliched song choices caught up with me and I began to exit from the haze of oblivion. For example, the opening sequence with Jeffrey Dean Morgan as the Comedian being killed, set to the tunes of Nat King Cole's "Unforgettable" felt almost perfect and loyal to the book. The slow motion fighting sequences seemed to make the most sense then, because of both the song choice and the ability for the audience to gaze at one of the most important character's apartment as he is being killed to look for clues.

However, once I realized that every single fight and/or sex scene would have slow motion in it, I became quite bored. By overusing the slow motion Zack Snyder made all the action sequences almost commonplace with one another instead of making each one different and unique.

I can't pinpoint exactly when I started disliking the movie, but I can tell you the point where I lost all hope and just wanted to cry out of frustration because they were ruining it, and it was painfully obvious. Well, two points in the movie really. When Nite Owl (Patrick Wilson) and Silk Spectre (Malin Akerman) are going to rescue Rorschach (Jackie Earle Haley) from prison, Silk Spectre lands on the roof in a duck pose, with her hands out stretched behind her, gazing up at Archie, the Nite Owl's flying owl hovercraft. I rolled my eyes so hard I immediately got a headache. The second point was again with Nite Owl and Silk Spectre, when they decide to return to superhero-dom and put on their suits to see if anyone needs rescuing. The whole point of Watchmen is not to bask in superhero glory a la Spiderman or Superman and see good guys rescue people and punish bad guys; rather, it's about how deeply messed up people would be if they actually attempted to rescue humanity- intense psychological profiles made the graphic novel come alive, not Nite Owl and Silk Spectre rescuing people from a burning building. Furthermore, the movie gave the characters superhero qualities that they did not have in the book. For example, Rorschach had the ability to leap approximately 20-ish feet into the air in the movie while in the book he is just a "normal" crazy guy. Perhaps they were trying to appeal to the largest audience, but if they were going to do that then they should have focused on making a totally different movie and not ruining a geek classic.

I should also mention that Malin Akerman does not know how to act her way out of a latex catsuit. Her performance, or lack thereof, was even more forced than Kirsten Dunst in the Spiderman trilogy.

After I saw the film I became obsessed with recasting Watchmen with a realistic yet still dream cast. I felt the most successful characters in the movie were Silk Spectre 1 (Carla Gugino- she is Silk Spectre's mother), Rorschach and the Comedian- they played their parts perfectly without being over-the-top or bad actors, and I can't imagine anyone else playing those roles as well as they did. So let's start with the worst:

Malin Akerman as Silk Spectre II: Man, she really cannot act. I couldn't decide whether to laugh or cry when she was onscreen because I felt sorry for her and yet she was just so bad I almost couldn't watch. She couldn't have been less convincing as her character or more annoying. In the book, Silk Spectre is at times annoying because she is basically a kept woman for the most powerful man on the planet in order to keep him from detaching completely from humanity- which is quite a lot of pressure to put on one's shoulders, so you understand her personality quirks. Here, they gloss over that in seemingly two sentences and she comes off as a man-crazed selfish whiner. My dream casting for her would be Jennifer Garner. Yes, she's been in Elektra, but save for that she has the toughness, vulnerability and naturally great looks and body that would be perfect for Silk Spectre.

Patrick Wilson as Nite Owl was a huge disappointment for me. I thought he was the perfect casting, but unfortunately he took a character who is stuck in the past and vulnerable to any sort of change or confidence and took it to the extreme of a whiny sourpuss. He was downright pitiful in some scenes, and in no way is he like that in le book. My dream casting for him would be Jake Gyllenhaal- he looks the part and I think he could be vulnerable without being a whiner, a huge advantage over Patrick.

Matthew Goode as Ozymandias, the world's smartest man, was wrong from the voice to the eyebrow wigs to the Ozy nipples. Matthew is a lean and very attractive gentleman, and Ozy is supposed to be a pretty big guy- not like the Comedian, but certainly as built as Dr. Manhattan or Nite Owl, and Ozy wasn't. His performance seemed to be detached in a way that he was in a different movie from everyone else- his affected voice seemed more suited for Shakespeare instead of Watchmen. My dream casting for him would be Aaron Eckhart, who is built, has a voice made for command, and (important) is naturally blonde. I could buy him as the world's smartest man who works in conjunction with Dr. Manhattan, while Matthew seemed more suited as a prep school smartypants.

And finally, Dr. Manhattan, as played by Billy "Douchebag" Crudup (Full disclosure: I've barely been able to watch him on film since he left his 7 months pregnant girlfriend Mary-Louise Parker for Claire Danes several years ago. That being said, I still thought he could pull it off). The worst part about Dr. Manhattan wasn't necessarily his fault- in almost every scene the CGI wizards gave him a huge dangling penis that was both distracting and unnecessary. In the book he shows it maybe twice, and it's not a huge deal, while on film they forego his usual underpants in favor of a cheap distraction. The worst part of his performance was Billy's voice, which was way too high and unconvincing for a nuclear-powered superhuman. The natural choice for me would be Jon Hamm, who not only has the voice but he looks like he could have been a nuclear physicist from that time period while Billy looks like a goofy eared sidekick.

Oh, Watchmen. I felt so incredibly depressed when it was over. I had spent the last 45 minutes of the film trying to look away because I knew it was a lost cause and I had a huge headache. If only the writers, director and actors had actually gave a sh*t, or just scrapped the project altogether, this disaster could have been saved or at least swept away. Fun fact: this is what my post would have looked like if "The Dark Knight" had sucked.

Watchmen

Watchmen, the movie based on Alan Moore and Dave Gibbons's ridiculously perfect graphic novel (if you haven't bought it yet, click here to do so), is being released after months of studio drama on Friday in both IMAX and regular schmegular theater. I will be viewing it (on IMAX. Obvi.) on Friday and I will write an extensive review shortly thereafter. For now, please enjoy this illustration from the graphic novel, and start reading!

Hold on to your cucumbers...

Spinal Tap are reuniting! The three men (Christopher Guest, Michael McKean and Harry Shearer) are going to embark on a 30-city "Unwigged and Unplugged" tour starting April 17th. They say they wanted to tone down their act (and their wigs) because, to paraphrase Danny Glover "[they're] getting too old for this sh*t." I will post the full 30-city listing once I find it, but only after I buy my ticket. Snooze, you lose.

Image found via Google Images.

The Real Housewives Are About to Make All of My Dreams Come True

Bravo created the Real Housewives of Orange County, which was so successful it spun off into RH of New York City and Atlanta. The shows revolve around a fairly simple concept- watch these wealthy women (and sometimes their husbands) be completely wealthy, ridiculous, and have over-the-top drama. This format has worked so well for Bravo that they have become the de facto wealth network, exploring "Millionaire Matchmaking," first class clients (First Class All The Way), renovating houses for profit (Flipping Out) and upscale hairdressing (Blow Out) among many others.

Naysayers may say that two spin-offs of the original Housewives show is more than enough, but I kindly suggest they take a big deep breath before they read the next sentence. Bravo is now developing the Real Housewives of New Jersey. Jersey!! Now, I ask you, who would not want to watch New Jersey housewives go about their day, regardless of whether they are rich or not. I've literally spent minutes since hearing this imagining what the show will be like- will a Mafia wife complete with a fountain in front of her beyond garish house be featured? More Hamptons loving a la New York City? Houses by the Shore? Whichever way Bravo decides to go, you bet your big hair, French manicure and Juicy tracksuit I'll be watching.

Image scanned from my Time magazine.

Is Calista Flockhart a Human?

According to this interview, Calista Flockhart, lover of Harrison Ford, has never seen the Star Wars movies. Not a one. She uses the excuse that because she was 12 when the movie was released and lived in a small town, she was not able to see the movie(s) during their theatrical prime. That excuse is fine for the time that they were in theaters, but how about their release onto VHS? And TV? And their subsequent re-release into theaters in the 1990s?

Considering that she's an actress and should take an interest in her craft, it's a bit disheartening that she hasn't seen three movies that altered the course of cinema (I'll give her a pass on the last three- who actually wants to watch those).

If I were in her position, I would make Harrison dress up as Han (wig and all) and watch the movies with me, possibly while reciting his lines. Oh wait, that happens every night, in my dreams.