Yay!

Close to final numbers are in, and Transformers has placed second to The Dark Knight in five-day totals, earning $201.2 million compared with TDK's $203.8 million. To twist the knife in further, The New York Times had this to say (which obviously I had to copy and paste):

"Few expect this “Transformers” to match the staying power of “The Dark Knight” because the new picture, directed by Michael Bay, with Steven Spielberg as executive producer, has received some of the worst reviews of the decade. Roger Ebert’s critique used the terms “horrible,” “unbearable,” “meager” and “music of hell” to describe it. (And that was just in the opening paragraph.)"

In any case, I'll probably celebrate by writing at least five more posts trashing Transformers without seeing it.

In News That Should Never Happen, But Is...

Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen, a movie that currently has a 21% positive rating on Rotten Tomatoes (145 Rotten; 38 Fresh) is possibly on track to surpass The Dark Knight in total earnings over a five-day period. TDK earned $203.8 million dollars in five days, and T2 has made $126 million in three days.

Now, I'm not one to let critics decide for me whether or not a movie is good or absolutely, brain-softeningly horrible (I'm a rebel), but, and this is for the general public: I MEAN, COME ON! I have not seen the first movie or the cartoon and I never intended to see this movie, and I can tell it's bad. You know why? 1. Michael Bay is the director (for evidence, see IMDB). 2 Megan Fox, the lone she-wolf of the film, has publicly come out and said "I don't want to blow smoke up people's ass. People are well aware that this is not a movie about acting." 3. It's a movie about robots. That can turn into things.

Don't get me wrong, I loveee blockbusters. Independence Day, Armageddon, throw 'em at me! But people should not be so desperate this weekend as to give this kind of money to T2 in lieu of other movies that are out. Here's what happens: Explosions, not-long-enough glimpses of Megan Fox, Shia LaBeouf desperately trying to act but failing, robots fighting each other, and then something anti-climactic happens at the end so they can make another movie. The end.

In short, if someone tells you they're going to see T2 this weekend, recommend the Hangover, or Up, or even Terminator: Salvation. Just don't recommend My Sister's Keeper, I have a feeling that it's going to blow all the other movies out of the sky (by slowly drowning them in tears) and make $500 million in five days. Too high, you say? Well even it has a 49% rating on Rotten Tomatoes.

For Fans of Gaga, Orchestra, Awesome:

Here is an video that I can't stop watching/listening to of an orchestra playing Lady Gaga's "Poker Face". It's bad ass and really, really cool. That's about all I can say, take a listen:

Out of Control Hotness: Megan Fox

The one positive thing I've been able to gain from the release of Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen is that the gorgeous Megan Fox has had to go to premiere after premiere all across the globe, always wearing gorgeous outfits showing copious amounts of skin. Today was special, however, because it was the first time I actually gasped when looking at the computer- instantly in awe of her overall look and especially the dress. Even the cones, 3/4 man and GMC truck in the background cannot spoil this gorgeous picture. Please, enjoy.

Image via Just Jared.

Michael Jackson- Forever Imitated, Never Duplicated

Michael Jackson, the King of Pop, died today at the age of 50 of suspected cardiac arrest. Seemingly out of nowhere, this leaves a void in the field of music that will never forseeably be replaced.

What makes me most sad about his death, of course occurring just before he was supposed to make his "comeback" by performing fifty shows in London, is that a whole generation of children are growing up not knowing who Michael Jackson is, or worse, only knowing of him as a scandal-plagued former star.

Before MTV turned to suck they actually played things called music videos, which had the novel idea of taking a hit single and adding visuals. The first music video I remember seeing was Madonna's "Like A Virgin", which needless to say had a profound effect on my life. Shortly thereafter I saw the unquestionable zenith of the music video form, Michael Jackson's "Thriller". Seeing something so epic in scale coupled with such a powerful song is jaw-dropping, and deserves it's own award as the video that launched MTV into its own being (for better or for worse) and videos since have never even come close to its perfection (incredible even when just considering how technology has advanced in twenty-seven years).

The album Thriller is still the number-one selling album of all-time last time I checked (over The Eagles' Hell Freezes Over) and the singles on it are astounding. Billie Jean and Beat It are two of the best singles ever and have not aged at all. I feel an underdog sense of respect for his first solo album, Off The Wall, which featured incredibly happy and catchy tunes such as Don't Stop 'Til You Get Enough and The Way You Make Me Feel. Michael's work as the star of the Jackson 5 when he was such a young child is both heartbreaking and awe-inspiring to watch- knowing how his father treated him while also respecting his voice that is so completely ridiculous for a child of that age to have.

Today when I went out to dinner I had the horrible experience of listening to a father explain to his 6-7 year old daughter who Michael Jackson was. Not so sad was that she didn't know- she's very young and at that point it's his responsibility to educate her- but the father had to explain Michael to her in relation to Miley Cyrus and The Pussycat Dolls. If you're old enough to listen to that crap you should have a near-doctorate in Michael, and I thought of all the other kids her age and younger who will probably only discover him in their 20s. It's a depressing thought, and with the death of the undisputed King of Pop, who was so famous that people spent their lives and made their livings impersonating him, a large fraction of my childhood has vanished. To remember him I have selected five videos: 1. His performance with the Jackson 5 on Dick Clark's American Bandstand of "I Want You Back"; 2. His video "Billie Jean"; 3. His video "Beat It"; 4. His video "Thriller"; and 5. His performance at the 1995 VMAs which lasts for ten minutes and features a medley of some of his greatest songs.





Image found via Google; videos found on Youtube.

Silly Oscars, Tricks Are For Idiots

Today there was Earth-shaking news in the world of entertainment for everyone who cares deeply about movies (It's just me? Moving on...). The Academy Awards, aka Oscars, have inexplicably decided to bump up the number of Best Picture nominees from five to ten. TEN. Considering I thought last year's Oscars included two movies (out of a nominated five) that should never have been near that title, I will say in my kindest words that finding another FIVE movies to fill the new void is going to be troublesome at best.

The Academy finally caught on (only five months after announcing nominations! Not bad for them!) that people in the public were "mad as hell and [they] were not gonna take it anymore!" because "their" movies (aka blockbusters, or really just movies that might actually make you laugh a tiny bit instead of just making you sob or roll your eyes the whole way through- I'm looking at you Dances with Wolves). The Academy missed the boat last year by not nominating The Dark Knight or even WALL-E (I don't think they should have nominated WALL-E but at least it was better than The Reader) as they represented high quality movies that are arguably the respective bests of their genres who happened to appeal to a large mass of people. But instead, good ol' Harvey Weinstein and his incessant campaigning had to go on and remind voters (who are very, very old) that the Holocaust did indeed happen, was a horrible event, and they should celebrate it and Kate Winslet being the possible most nominated loser by nominating it for Best Picture, which they kindly did.

So now the Academy is trying to mea culpa it's way out of it by adding five more slots to the Best Picture lineup. I say, why stop there? If they're so eager to boost viewer membership/caring by adding movies that people will have actually heard of in large theater chains while simultaneously boosting revenue/losing credibility by letting "NOMINATED FOR BEST PICTURE" be on every forseeable DVD cover from now until eternity, why not let Flavor Flav host and let the ceremony be sponsored by Coca Cola? That, I can guarantee, will bring in viewers. Especially when they cut to the money shot of Martin Scorsese knockin' back a Coke and winking into the camera lens. The type of advertisement money can buy, because it did (in my imagination).

So, since there are now ten nominees I wanted to get a headstart on the competition and list my picks for the ten nominated pictures for the year 2009. I have to start this soon so I can actually watch all of them. It's hard to schedule in ten movies before the ceremony.

1. (Winner) Nine- The Musical
2. Shutter Island (Scorsese)
3. Broken Embraces (Almodovar)
4. Public Enemies
5. Where the Wild Things Are
6. Julie & Julia
7. Inglourious Basterds
8. The Hangover (my pick)
9. Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (Michael Bay will finally be an Oscar-nommed producer!!)
10. Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel (sleeper hit of the fall!)

Crush of the Month- Belated May

When I was trying to think of a Crush of the Month for a belated May post, I could only think of a tie for two people who have exploded in June. So, the second will be saved until next week's post but for now here is the first, even though I really became obsessed with her in June, you all can suck my technicalities.

Lady Gaga, born Stefani Angelina Joanne Germanotta, is a goddess. She is my Crush of the Month not just for her looks (she has a hell of an ass)- I also have a crush on her being. She sings like hell, writes her own songs all the while wearing incredible outfits that most people could not even dream of. She was on the cover of Rolling Stone for their annual "Hot Lost" issue wearing nothing but a clear corset and bubbles. Needless to say when I rushed to my Target to pick up a copy it was the only magazine turned around.

I love that she is a total artist and has not yet been swept up by "the Man" in interviews- she seems genuine and hellbent on becoming a younger generation's Madonna (and I do not say that lightly). Her videos are gorgeous and I sometimes listen to various remixes of Poker Face on repeat for days on end, all the while admiring how gorgeous she looks in paparazzi photos while wearing nothing but spankies or nipple tape.

I hope she can live up to my hype and remain the hottest thing around, but for now I will suffice to trying to get a ticket whenever she goes on tour near me whilst fighting the urge to act like a 12 year old girl and buy a platinum wig and slip on some latex knickers to "Gaga" myself out.


Images found via Googling and Rolling Stone's website.

Try Not To Have Nightmares

March 2010 will see the release of Tim Burton's Alice In Wonderland, starring Mia Wasikowska, an Australian and star of the first season of Showtime's In Treatment, as Alice. Even though the movie is almost a year from being released, the powers that be have decided to release publicity shots of the key actors in character: Johnny Depp as the Mad Hatter, Helena Bonham Carter as the Red Queen, Anne Hathaway as the White Queen, Matt Lucas as Tweedledee and Tweedledum, the great Michael Sheen in what I speculate to be full CGI as the White Rabbit and of course Mia as Alice. All of the players certainly look cool, but I have to say they are far more psychedelic and frightening than I would have imagined. Alice is not a carefree tale, but did they really have to make Johnny look like Carrot Top's yellow-green eyed twin? See for yourself:

Images found via The Daily Mail

You're Welcome, Continued.

A few days ago I gave you the visually stunning cover of Entertainment Weekly starring Ryan Reynolds. Come Saturday I was excited as a kitten in a candy store waiting for my subscription to arrive. I sat at my table and cautiously opened and gasped with delight. There is not only that granite-carved magic on the cover, but there are three other inside covers. Here I was just happy to have my exterior when inside there was so much more magic. I knew I had to share it with the rest of the world, so here they are. Make sure you are seated, because they are simply stunning. And have a paper bag handy for gasping purposes. You're welcome.

In Honor of Watching Valkyrie Tonight...

Tonight I will embark on the Tom Cruise non-German-accent opus known as Valkyrie, a movie that was doomed to fail but in fact performed moderately well considering the immense amount of bad press he received. To honor this sure to be meh occasion I give you three Tom Cruise related videos. The first is his infamous Scientology interview, where he talks about Scientology things set to the Mission: Impossible music. If you don't feel goosebumps of fear and/or nervousness you might want to check your pulse, because he is batshit crazy in this. The only comfort I feel is knowing that this was probably recorded around M:I 1 filming time, so he's had over a decade to mellow out. [Editor's Note: I looked up some of the Scientology definitions he uses to try and make sense of it all and they don't really help but here they are- KSW means Keeping Scientology Working or helping it spread, and SPs are people who do not support and are critical of Scientology]



The second video features Rebecca Romijn's spouse Jerry O'Connell, who does an incredible bed-wetting impression of Tom, but instead of talking about Scientology he talks about being an actor during the past Writers Guild struggles of 2008.

Jerry O'Connell in the parody video Tom Cruise WANTS you to see! from Jerry Minor

Finally, I've saved the best for last. A long, long time ago in a galaxy far, far away there were such a thing as the MTV Movie Awards and they didn't totally suck. During this odd time in this netherworld, a video was made by one Ben Stiller as Tom Cruise's lifetime stunt double, Tom Crooze. The fact that Cruise almost never uses a stunt double is neither here nor there, because Crooze has helped him in all of his movies: Magnolia, M:I 2, Risky Biz and my personal favorite Cocktail. I could loop the latter and watch it for hours. To honor Tom's power and greatness, take some time to watch the below videos and please, enjoy.

Crush of the Month- Belated April

Apparently I somehow missed two months of doing Crush of the Month, so I will have to hurry up and find a May counterpart before doing my June. But for now here is the absolute goddess Ludivine Sagnier, hailing from France and making men and women everywhere sweat.

I saw in her the sexual thriller Swimming Pool starring screen legend (and a sex goddess in her own right) Charlotte Rampling. The movie is fantastic and I highly suggest it as a rental, and if you need more to it then that just enjoy the pictures or, more traditionally, ask me or IMDB for a brief summary.
Ludivine was so stunning in the movie that I nearly had a heart attack- she is so aware of her own sexuality that I could barely take my eyes off of her. This was and early experience for her in an English-speaking role, but she has also been in the newer version of Peter Pan as Tinkerbell, the relatively new A Girl Cut in Two and was also nominated for a Cesar Award (French equivalent of an Oscar) for her role alongside screen legend Catherine Deneuve in 8 Women.

Besides her growing resume and stunning beauty, Ludivine is about to turn 30 in July. Considering she's a typical French gal who smokes and drinks, I believe she looks stunning. Curiously enough, most of her movie posters have just involved her on the cover in some form of minimal clothing, and the black and white photos I have chosen to accompany these posters come from the French Playboy, when she graced the cover (after having had two children) within the past two months. I hope you all enjoy her as much as I have and look forward to watching her career in the States expand. Below is a video of her dancing in the movie Swimming Pool which I find bewitching. Unfortunately it's in another language but hopefully that will help to increase your curiosity about the film. It also includes (it's approximately nine minutes long, but the dancing only lasts for a couple minutes) a NSFW amount of nudity, so you have been warned. Please, enjoy.



Images found via Googling and are subject to copyright. Video via Youtube.

About to Burst... Sam Worthington

A few posts ago I reviewed Terminator: Salvation as a part of my blockbuster showdown and highlighted the performance by the previously unknown Sam Worthington, an Australian who is poised to become absolutely huge in the States. He has four major projects in the production, including the new James Cameron (Titanic) film Avatar, as well as Clash of the Titans with Liam Neeson and Ralph Fiennes (He plays Perseus, the main character- below).

Entertainment Weekly agreed with my assessment of his performance in T: S, and put him at the center of their bullseye for the week, and around this time he was added to the movie posters advertising the movie, including a giant one in Times Square with equal billing and font size to Christian Bale. I look forward to watching his career blossom and seeing him on the cover of magazines like a certain previous post where his gorgeous body is on display. And, if you need another incentive to possibly see or at least rent T: S, let's just say that Arnold's nude scene in the first Terminator has not been forgotten. It has been improved to the best extent it could be, and I was a happy little lady in the theater.


Images found on Google.

You're Welcome

Ryan Reynolds, star of The Proposal and Wolverine, puts a new twist on being ridiculously hot and on a magazine cover by making me lust for a man wearing floaty wings. But it's worth it. Whoever had this idea/took this picture deserves a huuuuge raise (pun intended). Please enjoy, but take Ryan's message seriously and wear your water wings. Swimming can be dangerous, yo!

Image found via EW's website.

... Bad News Last.

Please, brace yourselves. I almost had a tear in my eye when I read the next two stories, so you have been warned. Everything horrible and materialistic and unoriginal in Hollywood has now come true, and these stories are just another indicator that Hollywood will flush out anything for a buck.

First up, the horror known as Mission: Impossible 3 is now suddenly seen as "hot", what with JJ Abrams's star now on a huge rise because of the success of Star Trek (he directed both movies). In MI3 Tom played a married to Michelle Monaghan Ethan Hunt who has to rescue his former protege (Keri Russell) and face the ultimate bad guy (Philip Seymour Hoffman in another horribly miscast role). They threw so much in that plot that I thought it was physically impossible to construct another because they had literally done everything. When you're watching the movie, at one point you think it's done but then you realize you still have another 45 minutes to go and you just want to die. That's not good foreshadowing for MI4. Tom has decided he wants JJ back as a producer (a small relief) and that they are already working on the plot/script. Unless John Woo is directing (MI2 was explosive and loving it) you can count me out of going anywhere near theaters when this is released.

Next, do you remember that movie franchise that everyone loved and then George Lucas came in and just had to make a sequel to "continue the story" (make more money)? No, I'm not talking about Star Wars, I'm talking about Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, the movie so sh*tty it created a new term in the cultural lexicon "nuking the fridge." Similar to TV's "jumping the shark", "nuking the fridge" happens when a movie has passed all believability and really doesn't care anymore. At one point in IJ4 Indiana stumbles upon a nuclear test site and hides in a fridge as a bomb is detonated less than 1000 feet away. After it has exploded he even exits the fridge to create a cool shot filled with radiation poisoning. Besides the fact that the movie just seemed like a ploy to make even more money by introducing Shia LaBeouf as his son (who can't act), it wasted the fans' glorious memories of the three films that came before it, and somehow made Cate Blanchett look like a bad actress (nearly impossible). Not only that, but the "surprise" at the end, where the thing they've been searching for the whole time is revealed, actually turns out to be real aliens, and the "treasure" that Indy has spent the last 90 minutes searching for is knowledge. KNOWLEDGE. Lucas clearly has no respect for movie audiences anymore and Spielberg and Ford must have been, respectively, so far up Lucas's bum and desperately wanting a better retirement pension that they made this movie. And now they're making another one. With Shia to star.

What have we learned? Despite horrible critical reviews and disappointing box office returns (both movies made tons of money but not as much as expected for two proven franchises, especially IJ4), the show will go on for these horrible, horrible ideas. I'm so mad that I don't even want to rent this sure-to-be-pieces-of-garbage. Maybe someday Hollywood will grow a conscience and let things lie in the grave they built for themselves.

Image found via Google.

Good News First...

According to this article, the ringing in your ears after watching Comedy Central might soon be lessening to a fairly significant extent. Legislation is making its way through Congress that changes the way commercials are heard. Currently commercials can be as loud as the loudest point in the program, so when Colbert yells "NOOOOOOO" at the top of his lungs, Enzyte's "male enhancement" pills can be just as loud, for no apparent reason. Since Congress is trying to pass this legislation through, the commercial makers are trying to beat them to the punch by lowering their respective volumes and hoping that if they regulate themselves then they will not have to face Congress's likely more stricter regulations. In any case, here's to mildly quieter commercials! Win win win!

Image found via Google. Yes, I picked it solely because he's wearing suspenders. Sue me.

Full Circle: The Powder Blue Review You've Been Waiting For

As I've told you twice before, Powder Blue is a little movie that could starring Jessica Biel, Forest Whitaker, Ray Liotta, Patrick Swayze, Lisa Kudrow and Eddie Redmayne. The trailer, which can be found here, first became famous because it was just music and pictures, with no attempt to reveal a plot or, more important, words. The movie quickly became more famous because Jessica Biel plays a stripper in it. Despite the fact she's posed semi-nude before, there were rumors on the internets that she would not be nude in the film. Don't worry eager readers, she is. Not fully (no vajj) but you do see full breasts and booty (now that I've told you this happy Google hunting). I was excited for Powder Blue because I can spot a stinker from a mile away, and I was hoping to beat the rush for a front-row seat to what was sure to be a Razzie leader next year. However, since the movie was released direct-to-DVD, my hopes may be dashed. From the outset the movie seemed filled to the brim with cliches and trying desperately to copy off of better, more original movie concepts (cough *Crash* cough). It was released on DVD May 26th, and I watched it the following day.

Here are the character profiles. Please have a bucket ready for when you barf. Ray Liotta, in full tattooed glory, has just been released from prison after several decades and is searching for a new beginning, as evidenced by his pseudo-baptism in the Pacific. He knows he has a child, and begins searching for his former wife, who he learns has just recently died. Forest Whitaker, in what I have counted to be his third Crash-type of movie (The Air I Breathe, Vantage Point), is actually my pick for the worst actor of the film (worse than JB... barely). His character is introduced to the audience as a wreck of a human, as he is so depressed that he has taken his savings out of the bank and drives around looking for prostitutes and then asks him/her to shoot and kill him. Needless to say he does not have many friends, except for a friendly waitress at a diner he cries at, Lisa Kudrow, who is so oblivious to his painfully obvious condition that she just babbles at him (and gives him free pie!). One night Forest runs into Eddie Redmayne, a funeral home operator who is going deeply into debt, but even so does not take up Forest's surely legal offer.

This brings us to the star, Ms. Jessica Biel. She plays Rose-Johnny, a stripper in a club called Wild Velvet (owned by Patrick Swayze- who is doing his best visual and audio Bret Michaels) named Scarlet (poetic justice). She lives with her dog in what appears to be a hotel room, until the dog escapes (smart), and then we find out she's also addicted to coke and has a terminally ill son who can't be more than four. That's what we call the trifecta. To clarify: she's stripping for her dying son's medical payments, but she's broke and depressed so she uses coke, which makes her more depressed and broke. Aaand scene.

Through movie gods' twisted fate, Ray Liotta comes and sees Jessica perform. What looked in the trailer like she was pouring water on herself is actually wax, which adds a disgusting element to her already pathetically sad dances. He hires Jessica for a private dance after some innocent conversations, where she tries to ride him and he "just wants to talk" (she replies something so fitting I almost cheered in delight "Men don't pay me to talk". Art imitating life). To absolutely no one's surprise Jessica is Ray Liotta's daughter, and conveniently enough he's terminally ill as well. After she discovers this she tries to quit, but Patrick Swayze, while he's getting a blow jay from another dancer (natch) tells her she can't quit because "when you dance I get a rock hard boner". And throughout all this stripping-father- related drama, her son is still dying on a hospital bed with nary a mother to be found.

Because the long version is to depressing to enumerate, the short version is: Eddie Redmayne (the funeral home guy) has JB's dog, and when he returns it to her they immediately hug even though they are total strangers and fall into bed together. While this is happening her son dies and no one can reach her, though somehow Ray Liotta finds out that he has a grandson, pays for his treatment and buys her two tickets to Paris before dying, in snow (in LA!) that looks like blue rock candy crystals (thus the title... Powder Blue). Forest Whitaker and Lisa Kudrow make out in his car after that delicious free pie (known to cure all suicidal thoughts) and then we find out the reason he's so incredibly depressed is because his wife died on their wedding day, leaving the ceremony, with him in the driver's seat. He offers a transsexual fifty grand to kill him, gets robbed, finds the transsexual, retrieves the money and accidentally kills the transsexual in the process. But there's a happy ending for him as he and Kudrow hook up on Christmas, when the movie takes place (sorry, I forgot). The movie ends with Biel and Redmayne at a bus station, meeting each other for the first time since she abruptly left his house post-hookup and her son died, saying "I've got two tickets to Paris."

This movie could have been fabulously bad in that I would have enjoyed it if a few tweaks had been made. Instead, the movie's absolutely atrocious and not only makes the viewer depressed for having seen it, but also that someone was messed up enough to create these characters. 1. Forest Whitaker should not have been in this movie. I was never a fan of him winning for "Last King of Scotland", and post-win he's made many, many bad choices, including this. He overacts to an unparalleled degree of anyone I've seen in most of the film. It doesn't help that his character's so pathetic he can't even kill himself, but his acting is the nail in the coffin, so to speak. 2. More Swayze! Patrick seemed to understand quickly that this film would be a disaster, and it showed. He was clearly having fun, and the aforementioned erection line was a movie highlight. 3. More stripping, fewer depressing songs. JB at one point dances to a song by Cat Power, who I absolutely love but who would never cross my mind as a stripping songstress. She has a beautiful and mournful voice, not something that would turn on a gentleman of leisure. The director clearly knew what he was doing during the stripping sequences as there would be slow pans of JB's body, especially her butt. Basically, if the movie just focused more on JB's horrible acting and great body it would have been exponentially better. Reboot in ten years? (fingers crossed)

Images found on Google.

Blockbuster Rundown: X-Men Origins: Wolverine vs. Star Trek vs. Terminator: Salvation

The three most prototypical blockbuster movies to come out so far, all focusing on rebooting old franchises and providing lots of action with minimal female involvement are X-Men Origins: Wolverine, Star Trek & Terminator: Salvation (heretofore known as W, ST & TS). I had highest hopes for W, being that I love Hugh Jackman (but really, who hates him?) and thoroughly enjoyed two out of the three X-Men movies (X-Men 3, is shameful at best). I had a very low hopes for ST because I am not a Trekkie and feel lukewarm feelings toward JJ Abrams because of how he ruins things when he gets bored with them (Vampire zombies on Alias, the decline of Lost, the all-out rape and murder of MI:III etc.). I had nonexistent feelings for TS because I apparently have not seen the first Terminator nor did I subject myself to T3, and I thought it was odd that Christian Bale would charge himself with rebooting yet another franchise in such a visible role.

My belated New Year's Resolution was to try and not watch movie trailers, because I noticed they were taking away the surprise of seemingly every movie I saw. The Curious Case of Benjamin Button really did me in, because though the movie is 2.5 hours long, they apparently showed little snapshots of all the main sequences of the movie, including ones that should have been left to surprise such as the de-aging of Brad Pitt and his exploration of hotness while on a motorcycle. I was able to completely avoid seeing the movie trailers for all three of these blockbusters, and I have to say it's really nice to feel genuine surprise when watching a movie. So basically, my hopes from paragraph one about each of the movies was just from me knowing the bare bones plot and stars of each film. Please note, spoilers from each movie ahead, please don't hate me if your eyes stray and find out something you don't want to know.

Let's start with W even though I saw it second of the three. As you can tell by his aggressive stance in the poster, Hugh Jackman is very angry about something. In a remarkable twist of fate he is born sickly and the man he thinks is his father is not. The man who actually is his father ends up killing the pretend father, of course then prompting Hugh as a young child to kill his real father and exhibit his powers for the first time, but instead of metal coming from his hands they are disgusting bone (it's really gross). He then runs away from home with his brother, later played by Liev Schreiber, and they go on to fight every main war together, all the while staying alive and not aging because they both have healing properties that suggest immortality. They eventually are selected for an elite fighting unit and join other mutants to perform black ops jobs. During this time Hugh becomes increasingly concerned that Liev is too aggressive, so he eventually quits the black ops team (which includes Ryan Reynolds in an all-too-brief highlight of the movie and [sigh] rapper will.i.am) in Africa, and Hugh begins a "normal" life as a lumberjack in Canada with a lady to boot.

Fast forward several years and dubious plot explanations later (where Wolverine got his nickname- much dumber and less straightforward than you think) and suddenly Hugh thinks Liev has killed his lady and will stop at nothing to kill him, despite the fact that they both share the same immortality-esque genes. So Hugh undergoes the famous adamantium injections to turn his bone extensions into metal extensions, almost dies, escapes in the nude without showing full frontal (sigh), eventually finds out his lady's alive, introduces far more possible spin-off characters along the way and finally is at the climax of Three Mile Island where apparently the settled-on bad guy William Stryker keeps mutants hidden because no one goes poking around nuclear sites. Righttttt. An epic battle ensues where at first Hugh and Liev are fighting and then they put brotherly squabbles aside ("Back to Back!") to join forces against the ultimate soldier Deadpool, a combination of multiple mutants in a similar bodily form of Ryan Reynolds who can do all kinds of crazy things. Long story short, Hugh saves the mutants but not his lady, is shot by Stryker with adamantium which removes his memory, is unresolved with his brother and possibly (?) beheads Deadpool.

I could tell the movie would be bad during the during credits montage of the wars they were involved in, but how bad is remarkable. Liev really overacts to an impressive extent here, and Hugh, despite being the best part of the movie (which is not saying much) is still brought down by the horrible direction and bile-infested script. The movie seems more eager to introduce more spinoff characters than to explore what it means to be Wolverine, as he sometimes feels like a sideshow to the main act of mutants doing their crazy tricks. Most of the battle sequences are totally unrealistic, including one where Hugh basically punches out a helicopter. It might be fun to watch if it wasn't so achingly bad to listen to, and if you didn't realize how much money the movie made and that some of the actors are clearly taking it very seriously. I would feel bad for Hugh because not only is he the star but he is the producer, but the movie made so much money and is having at least two sequels with just him, not counting two other possible spin-off characters, that I just feel bad for the future audiences.

Star Trek tells the story of how Captain James T. Kirk and Spock came to be, starring Chris Pine and Zachary Quinto of Heroes as the anchors of this reboot. Apparently during his younger years Kirk felt the need to rebel for his late father's selfless heroics by being an a-hole, driving a car off a cliff, getting in fights and chasing the ladies. In spite of his rebellion the current captain of the Enterprise sees his father's good qualities in him and suggests he try out for Starfleet where his ego inevitably clashes with Spock. Quinto's Spock is the real star of this movie and I really can't praise him enough- if he plays his cards right he may well become a superstar. The bare bones plot is that Kirk quickly ascends and correctly predicts a crisis on the planet Vulcan by a crazy Romulan (Eric Bana) who has taken tattooed inspiration from Mike Tyson. There are some cliches throughout the movie, the most annoying being the shaky cam that has become so popular post-Bourne. It doesn't really make sense if two characters are just talking and the cameraman has a case of Parkinson's. Also, there is a near-constant reflective light that is on screen whenever they're on the Enterprise, which breaks the fourth wall and is distracting at best, especially for the amount they do it. There is far too much Tyler Perry- he should have never been given such a large speaking role- but Leonard Nimoy was a necessary addition as he provided a clean transition from the old to the new. (The good thing about the cameos is that there are four from Alias. I nearly cried with happiness).

Considering I'm not a Trekkie I thoroughly enjoyed myself but with major hesitations. Anton Yelchin's Chekhov is so annoying that I couldn't believe he received so much screen time and there are some lowest-common-denominator humor sequences that seemed unnecessary (oh, he hit his head on the low ceiling, how hilarious). Also, how the hell does the Golden Gate Bridge still exist when this takes place? But I digress. Star Trek does not deserve the astronomically high rating it's received on Rotten Tomatoes, but it is enjoyable and worth the price of admission, and Quinto and Pine will probably make a great team together in the years to come.

And finally, Terminator: Salvation. Christian Bale plays John Connor, son of Linda Hamilton in T2 and supposed savior of Earth from the machines. Apparently he can't get over the Dark Knight, because his much-discussed gravelly voice has survived the franchise switch and he growls in every scene, even though by no means is it necessary (it's just distracting). Even though he is the star and his character is the most important to the series, the film opens and is subsequently stolen by Aussie actor Sam Worthington, pictured below at right.

He is a double-murderer about to be lethally injected when a terrifying-looking Helena Bonham Carter comes and asks him if he will donate his body to science, possibly to help her solve her cancer. He agrees and is killed, and once the film fast forwards to the future we see his well-preserved body in a cave where Connor and his crew are investigating the new possibility of robot- one that looks eerily similar to a human. Just as Connor goes to tell command and leaves the cave, the robots drop a nuclear bomb at his site, killing his crew and launching an all-out assault on the area. Connor survives by flying away, and we are left with the image of Worthington exiting the cave screaming, in the nude and covered in mud, not knowing anything but the past.

Besides killing the terminators John Connor is fixated on finding his father, the young man he transports back in time and ends up shacking up with Ms. Hamilton. Worthington reaches him, played by Star Trek's Anton Yelchin, before Connor, and with Worthington thinking it's still the 1990s, has no idea that evil robots are self-aware and have taken over the world. Yelchin saves him and together along with a child sidekick the trio try to find the Resistance. After some crazy fights and a run-in with Kramer vs. Kramer's Jane Alexander (still fabulous!) Anton is captured by a mega-terminator who takes him and other hostages to Skynet headquarters, leaving Worthington to find Connor himself. He runs into a downed pilot (Moon Bloodgood- absolutely stunning, sexy and apparently she can act well) who takes him to Connor.

There it is discovered that he is not himself- that he is (although you were trying your best not to believe the obvious all along) the terminator that Connor discovered in the cave- that he is robot, but with a human heart, brain, and skin. He is captured and tortured, though being a robot this has little effect on him. Eventually Moon helps him to escape and he returns to Skynet where his worst fears are confirmed- he is a robot, though he still fights for his inner human. He heals himself and catches up on what's happened while he's been in a nuclear daze and decides to help the Resistance by rescuing Connor (who's now been captured) as well as the many other humans who are trapped. He does this and ends up saving Connor's life, proving to himself and to the others that although he has robot parts his identity as a human has been maintained.

To my utter disbelief, I hated Christian Bale in this movie. Apart from his voice he seemed to be scatterbrained in his character I found myself sighing whenever he was onscreen. On the other hand, Worthington was an explosion of all things good. He used his screen time wisely and outshone every actor and special effect in the movie. At the end I was wishing he was cast as John Connor, but it could have been that I just wanted to see more of him. The movie itself was sub-par, but that's because I have no patience when it comes to robots. How do they not rust? Why don't they just spray acid on them or melt them? It was nice to see a cameo from Ahnold and have the classic line "I'll be back" come back. The addition of Bryce Dallas Howard as Connor's pregnant wife was an absolute letdown-they had zero chemistry together and I'm not sure why she keeps getting cast in movies. In my opinion the movie was saved from absolute mediocrity by Worthington and to a smaller extent Bloodgood (she's in few scenes). I don't know how they're going to sequels to this without Worthington, but it's almost a guarantee they will suck. Bale should stick to The Dark Knight and occasionally drink some water.

Here are my starred reviews of the movie (out of five):

Wolverine: Entertaining: One star, Goodness/Award-worthy: O stars
Star Trek: Entertaining: 3.5 stars, Goodness/Award-worthy: 2.5 stars, Replay value: 2.5 stars
Terminator: Entertaining: 3 stars, Goodness/Award-worthy: 2 stars

Images found on Google.

The Return of Movie Season

The months between February and May are usually painful for me, because this is the time when movies are not yet blockbusters and have just passed being eligible for the Oscars, so they are not "good" either. When checking over my movie tickets between those months I realized the only movie I saw was "Fast and Furious" (always fabulous), but that was shockingly it. Now that it's May and movie executives feel safe in releasing their big-budget hopefuls, I have seen 5 movies in the span of a month and feel confident in re-establishing my blogging prowess.

Now that I am "back" I will first have a blockbuster roundup of the ones I have seen (Wolverine, Star Trek & Terminator: Salvation), complete my obsession with Powder Blue (it has been fully released on DVD) and return to many of my other segments, including revealing my Crush of the Month, an actor who is About to Burst and give you some tips on DVDs to watch. So I say to you all now welcome back and happy viewing!