Liveblogging the Oscars!

6:35 pm: Sierra Mist Free in hand, I am now watching E! The Excitation Network and their coverage of the red carpet. Kevin Kline and wife Phoebe Cates (red bikini scene from Fast Times at Ridgemont High), who is wearing red- thank god, are charmingly boring as they announce Slumdog was their favorite Best Picture nominee. And... oh my god! Lou Gosset, Jr. is totally there! I can't remember any Oscars without him, he is a true Officer and a Gentlemen (ish). They relegated Giuliana to a skybox after her horrible questions at the SAG Awards (she asked Brad and Angelina how each of them made them "deeper and richer" as a man/woman respectively. It was beyond awkward).

6:44 pm: The Slumdog kids! Youngest Salim doesn't speak English and all the kids look super adorable and dressed up in their mini-tuxes and mini-gowns. It's sad to say that that may be the highlight of the red carpet night for me. Now, Anil Kapoor and oldest Salim (who looks ridiculously hot with less hair) and the non-torturing guard are all here, and they look totally amazed (I can't blame them). The keep showing teasers of stars, and from what I can gather Melissa Leo and Freida Pinto look perfect.

6:50: Jay Manuel (in a white dotted tux) glamastrates Taraji P. Henson. I hate glamastration... Dev Patel and Freida! Yes! Freida is in brilliant blue John Galliano and Dev brought his sexiest British accent. They successfully dash the romance rumors while being adorable. They should probably start making babies about ten minutes from now. They bring in John Legend, what a random shout-out. Is he singing? I guess I will see. And now he will be interviewed, because Ryan will interview anyone attractive or famous (can be mutually exclusive). He likes Slumdog the best and looks nice in a brown tuxedo.

6:54: Melissa Leo the grand will be interviewed, and she has almost Farrah hair with a lovely bronze dress. Ryan is asking her dull questions, what weakness. He's just shuffling people through, so now it's Danny Boyle. He looks less hobbit-ish than usual and he's already loosened his tie. It's going to be a looong four hours for him. Viola Davis is in a shocking gold dress that looks like a sibling of JLO's Globes dress (not a compliment, but it's not as bad). She looks so different from her character it's silly.

7:00: Taraji P. Henson, nominated for Best Supporting Actress, has the night's best necklace (I'm going to call it ahead of time). Her face and hair look flawless, and she is currently pulling her dress up (to the thigh) to show her ankle. It's about time for some serious skin, no one's had any real cleavage yet (I feel deprived). Sigh.

Michael Shannon from Revolutionary Road is now being interviewed and he has hippie hair. He almost looks better as his character, and his voice is way too mellow. Oh well, he did a great job and is probably super excited to be there.

Heidi Klum and Seal are ready to party and Heidi's hair looks like a wet seal, all slick and straight. However, her dress is lovely, red origami-like with a huge slit up the side, which she said makes her sit "on one butt cheek" so she doesn't reveal her ladybits.

7:09: Michael Sheen, the underappreciated star of Frost/Nixon (hint: he's not Nixon) is there looking dashing with curly hair. It's too bad he wasn't nominated in lieu of Frank Langella (hint: he's not Frost).

Richard Jenkins, Best Actor nominee for the Visitor is now being subjected to Ryan's dull outer thoughts. Quick visual: he's not wearing his glasses (hot!). Jay Manuel just glamastrated again; it's incredibly annoying. The Oscars are not a game, and the actresses deserve more than to be drawn on with a pen. I am not a fan.

Amanda Seyfried from Mamma Mia is now speaking semi-intelligently, and she's gone and replaced by Amy Adams of the Huge Necklace. Ryan just called her character pure (she was a nun, it's not rocket science) and asked her if she was as pure as her character. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to journalism hell.

7:15: And he's interviewing Robert Pattinson, who definitely needs to be there. At least he's hot and is a Harry Potter alum (what what Cedric!). He looks like he showered and has a good intense face, which is helpful and is counteracting the lack of cleavage.

Immediately following him are Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick, who also need to be there. Because who would I make fun of. Luckily for her the horsiness is at a minimum in her Dior Haute Coutoure princess dress. Hell, she almost looks like an attractive woman, good for her and her people. Matthew has a surprising amount of gray hair, but he's still taller than her so he wins.

Seth Rogen, who is allegedly in a short movie that will be shown tonight, and laughed that he was the transition after SJP, injecting much-needed humor into the infection of yeast that is Seacrest. He then pans to the skybox where Giuliana is stranded, hopefully so she cannot offend anyone else.

7:25: Marisa Tomei somehow does not look like total crap in a one-shoulder white dress. Someone must have taken pity on her and styled her. Ryan is verbally glamastrating and pleading for Mickey Rourke, who I've never seen without sunglasses. He's wearing a Jean-Paul Gaultier off-white three piece suit with a necklace of his deceased dog, Loki, around his neck. His hair looks pretty normal and his face looks the best I've seen it.

7:29: Diane Lane and Josh Brolin are now being subjected to torture, as Ryan asks him why the story of Harvey Milk was important to tell *cough* idiot *cough*. Josh counters (after explaining as if to a three year old, which Ryan is) that he wants to portray Ryan in a movie.

Queen Latifah is next and looks lovely, but Ryan ruins it by bringing up her work on Sesame Street. I'm ignoring the glamastration of Anne Hathaway because it combines two things that should not be at the Oscars at all.

7:33: Ron Howard is telling little anecdotes at Frost/Nixon and is remarkably able to keep his spirits up even with Ryan's barrage of nonsense, which continues with him asking about the Arrested Development movie for the eightieth time.

Peter Gabriel, Best Song nominee for WALL-E, is speaking kind of softly and allows me to tune him out (I am eternally grateful)... that's over, and the hangover starring Evan Rachel Wood has begun. She looks pretty nice (still not better than Christina Hendricks) and her fake eyelashes are superb. Now Ryan is asking about her singing instead of, you know, pertinent things.

7:41: Penelope Cruz and her perfect broken English are now being interviewed and have exited quicker than you can say please-let-her-win-tonight. She is replaced by last year's Best Actress winner for La Vie en Rose Marion Cotillard, whose English has improved greatly and is cooing about how much she loves Penelope and being an Oscar winner.

7:52: Kate Winslet and her mullet are "very nervous, actually" and she doesn't have a speech, apparently, to the detriment of us all. She got advice from her children on what to say, and they encouraged her to be emotional (as if she needs the encouragement). I expect if she wins that she will just dissolve into a puddle of emotions. Apparently she's on the cover of this week's TIME as "Best Actress- Why it's Kate". It would be kind of hilarious if she didn't win and the TIME editor had to explain his irrational thinking and jinxing.

7:58: Ryan was able to shout a question a Brad about how he felt to be there, how awkward. Robert Downey, Jr. is left to scrape up Ryan's heart from the carpet floor and he looks amazing. And.... it's over! Now to ABC's coverage with Tim Gunn and Tim Gunn, on HD!

8:00: Robin Roberts looks beyond fierce with an almost bald head and toned arms. The first guest is Kate, who does not look so good in HD, and Robin tells her not to be so emotional (from her mouth to God's ears, I say).

More Josh Brolin and Diane Lane, she, on the other hand looks flawless in HD. It turns out that SJP's dress has a belt which is unfortunate, but she still looks good.

Tim on Angelina!! He got to greet her! Yay him. He loves her so much, but then again so does everyone. Less than thirty minutes till the big show, how exciting.

8:14: Viola is being interviewed again, and I wonder if she has ever been interviewed without somebody mentioning Meryl's name. Miley Cyrus is now there for no apparent reason other than shock value in a dress straight out of a sequined colonic explosion. She is followed by Anne Hathaway, who is working her poise in a classier version of Miley's sequins.

8:20: Meryl and her gorgeous daughter are being interviewed by not Tim Gunn and they both look phenomenal. She is followed by Penelope's magical wedding dress and the detail is amazing. Tim Gunn said it well "Penelope Cruz, dressed for a win." Perfecto!

8:24: Leslie Mann looks amazing, accompanied by Seth Rogen and Judd Apatow. Less than five minutes remain!!

8:30: Let's get this party started! Crystalsssssss. And the lovely Hugh Jackman, what a perfect combo. He and his accent are perfect and well tanned. It sounds like there's a laugh track in the background which is quite unfortunate. Oh, dear. Dancing. At least the Benjamin Button skit is fairly humorous. And Anne has changed her dress for her planned skit. Her new dress is a major upgrade. Oof, her Nixon impression is not so good. It really sounds like canned laughter, it's disturbing me. And more dancers in futuristic costumes. Now he's putting kneepads on his tux which is fairly classic to make fun of The Wrestler. And the music number is over, I feel a bit relieved. Hugh is gallivanting through the audience like Dean Martin on a booze cruise and he's doing pretty well with the jokes.

8:42: A ton of Best Supporting Actress winners will present the award: Eva Marie Saint, Whoopi Goldberg, Goldie Hawn, Tilda Swinton, and Anjelica Huston. They are standing as if in a cult, apart and eerily poised. They all look amazing and all the nominees are tearing and shaking. It must be hell to wait through all this to see if they win. Not showing any clips is a bit like torture, but it's always pleasant to hear a shout-out of Sister Act by Whoopi (Leopard print! Purple sunglasses!). Tilda Swinton's face matches her dress and is the very definition of fierce. And the winner is... (I hope Penelope)... Penelope!!!!!! Hallelujahhhhh. Her wedding dress was not for naught. Oh she is crying and about to faint, how adorable. Her cleavage looks so lovely (can you tell I have boobs on the mind). She thanks Woody, Almodovar and her family beautifully without losing it and without speaking muddily. What a lovely way to start off the evening, with me being one for one (and her winning).

8:52: The award is presented by Tina Fey (absolutely stunning) and Steve Martin with funny voiceovers and they make fun of Scientology (brilliant!) for Best Original Screenplay. If In Bruges wins I will leap and dance, but Milk will probably win and writefully (get it!) so. Dustin Lance Black wins for Milk and looks quite dashing in his tuxedo. Sean Penn looks as though he will cry, it's quite moving. Lance appears to be inches from tears.. oh dear, he may not make it. It's very touching and he is a great follow-up to Penelope's heartfelt speech.

And Tina and Steve are back to present Adapted Screenplay. My choice is Slumdog, but if it does not win it may not win Best Picture tonight, and if it does, domino effect begins. And the winner is...Simon Beaufoy for Slumdog Millionaire! Hurrah and hooray! Simon is wearing a necklace sash of sorts to make himself stand out. His speech is short and fairly sweet, and well done for Tina and Steve who should really be hosting the show (no offense to Hugh).

9:03: Jennifer Aniston and Jack Black present Best Animated Feature. The producers have enough restraint to wait to pan to Angie until right before the amalgamation of animated features (with hard rock!) are presented. In other news, Jennifer's hair has gone hippie. I'm sure it will be the news of the night, but they're all adults and nothing happened so everyone but the bloodthirsty media wins. And the winner is...(it's going to be WALL-E, it's the sure thing of the night)...WALL-E. Andrew Stanton the writer and director accepts and he is wearing a velvet suit and thanks his high school drama teacher as if right out of In & Out. Short and sweet, just how I like it.

Jen and Jack present Best Animated Short, and they pan to Brad and Angie again (to be fair, she was in Kung Fu Panda with Jack). And the winner is...who knows... La Maison en Petit Cubes, which looked like it had pretty animation in the previews. Kunio Kato accepts with extremely broken English but is very endearing as he says "Domo arigato Mr. Roboto". Hilarious (it's pee-your-pants worthy for the Oscars). What a great way for animated short to be remembered.

9:15: Sarah Jessica Parker and Daniel Craig present the award for Art Direction. Her boobs are out of control, as is his hotness. Benjamin Button will probably win, but Revolutionary Road was also excellent and The Dark Knight would be a great and deserved spoiler. And the winner is... The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. Donald Graham Burt and Victor Zolfo accept and are clearly thrilled, both with the award and SJP's dress.

9:19: The duo now presents the award for Costume Design. The Duchess, being the ultimate period piece, is destined to win but Revolutionary Road's outfits were exquisite. And the winner is... The Duchess. Michael O'Connor accepts and is overwhelmed while somehow being underwhelming. He is Debbie Downing all the great heartfelt speeches of the previous awards.

9:22: Now they are presenting Makeup (three awards for SJP? Really, Oscar?). My pick is a toss-up between Benjamin and TDK. And the winner is... The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, as accepted by Greg Cannom. His speech is nice and SJP is now off the stage.

9:25: Robert Pattinson and Amanda Seyfried stare intensely into the camera and are not funny. They are presenting a time fluffer of romance from 2008 in movies. Coldplay's song sounds nice in it and the multiple flashbacks from Vicky Cristina Barcelona are quite excellent. They're barely featuring Milk which is unfortunate. So much kissing! I could watch those Slumdog kids all day.

9:31: Natalie Portman and Ben Stiller present Best Cinematography, with Ben dressed as Joaquin circa Letterman (fabulous!).The audience is quite restrained, probably feeling awkward. Natalie is lovely and perfect and Joaquin/Ben is super amazing. I'm pretty impressed with the first hour of the Oscars. It's quite a mixed bag, Benjamin Slumdog or TDK could all win and I would be happy. And the Oscar goes to... Anthony Dod Mantle for Slumdog Millionaire. The reign begins. He tries to be funny and fails but rebounds with a nice speech.

9:39: Jessica Biel presents the Sci Tech awards dinner held two weeks ago.

9:42: Seth Rogen and James Franco star in a Pineapple Express spoof of some of the best pictures of the year, nominated or not. It is hilarious, and so far I am very impressed with what the Academy has offered me.

9:45: Seth Rogen, James Franco, and Janusz Kaminski present Best Live Action Short. I picked Toyland, but really who knows. And the winner is... Spielzugland (Toyland). In other news, I'm a genius. Germany AufGerman accepts while his wife freaks out. I'm dying, it's fifteen minutes until Best Supporting Actor (aka if Heath Ledger doesn't win I will flip) and I can't handle the waiting.

9:51: Hugh sings again, this time accompanied by the unfortunate Beyonce whose beaded leotard has a tail in front. They are paying homage (slowly ruining) previous musicals. Great, now Vanessa, Amanda and Zac are joining in. Perfect. To quote Biggie, I'm ready to die and nobody can save me. This has really put a damper on the evening in a huge unfashionable way. In some ways it's worse than I thought, and boy was I not expecting much. Penelope's raised eyebrow at the end says it all. Unnecessary, but fortunately short. Moving on...

10:01: The big award. Needless to say I am trembling, with the results either being a combination of sorrow and joy (Heath wins) or utter desolate sorrow for a long time (he loses). Christopher Walken, Kevin Kline, Cuba Gooding Jr, Alan Arkin and Joel Grey (Cabaret, Alias(!)) present the award. Deep breaths. O dear god. Philip Seymour Hoffman is wearing a beanie. To the Oscars. John Mayer is next to Diane Lane in the audience, what a crazy pairing (He's with Aniston). Cuba is quite funny introducing RDJ, a nice relief from the tension. Christopher's hair matches Michael's. And Heath wins!!! His family accepts and I am sobbing like a newborn kitten, what a relief. How the hell can they follow that.

10:11: Best Documentary feature. My pick is Man on Wire. I wish it was a commercial so I could have a break. Bill Maher presents the award in a lovely suit. He acknowledges the moment by saying "everyone is crying and I have to go on." He tones down his humor which is quite a relief. And the winner is... Man on Wire! James Marsh accepts and orders the subject Philippe up and he is adorable in a white scarf and performs a magic trick, first by disappearing a coin and then by balancing an Oscar on his nose.

10:16: Maher presents Best Documentary Short Subject. God, I need a commercial, I sweat through my t shirt with the anticipation. Nonetheless, the show must go on and I picked Smile Pinki (coolest name). I guess I'm a genius, because I won again. For awards I know nothing about I always pick the one with the coolest name because they're usually foreign. I'm 1 for 2 in those categories, not too bad so far.

10:23: Fight scene montage! Sweet action, guys. Will Smith appears afterward "because he loves action movies." Never would have guessed Hancock-Wild Wild West-Men In Black/II-Independence Day. He presents Visual Effects to Benjamin Button, which was all but a lock.
Will now is presenting "boom goes the dynamite" Outstanding Sound Editing. I hope TDK wins at least one of these. And the winner is The Dark Knight's Richard King!! Yay!!

Now for Sound Mixing, again presented by Smith. Again, my pick is TDK. And the winner is... Slumdog Millionaire! It appears it and Benjamin are the last ones standing for Best Picture, with Slumdog the heavy lead.

Will again for Best Film Editing. My pick is TDK but Slumdog will probably win. And the winner is... Slumdog Millionaire's Chris Dickens. It seems like they're running a bit over as there's less than an hour to go with Best Actor and Actress, Director, Picture, Foreign Film, In Memorium, Original Score, Original Song and Jerry Lewis's tribute still to go.

10:42: Eddie Murphy (Norbit) presents Jerry Lewis with the Humanitarian award. He does a shockingly short speech, maybe he knows they're way over. Still kickin'!

10:51: Original score is presented. My vote is for Slumdog. And the winner is presented by Zac Efron and Alicia Keys, and who better I say. The Oscar goes to... AR Rahman for Slumdog! He's super adorable. The Best Original Song is also presented by the duo. I am rooting for M.I.A. and AR Rahman's O... Saya. Now he's singing! How perfect!! It doesn't look like M.I.A. will perform, much to my chagrin. Oh, well, it still sounds great. John Legend is singing "Down to Earth" from WALL-E and it sounds better than the real thing (Peter Gabriel sang it originally). Last is Jai Ho also from Slumdog with AR singing (adorably) again. And the Oscar goes to... Jai Ho! Poor M.I.A., oh well, at least she's an Oscar nominee. It's super impressive that AR Rahman bookended his performances with acceptance speeches, quite the task. 5 awards to go!

11:05: Liam Neeson and the perfect Freida Pinto present Best Foreign Language Film. I picked Waltz with Bashir. And the Oscar goes to... Departures from Japan, quite the spoiler. Waltz and The Class got the most attention, who knew (I certainly didn't- genius status revoked). Japan is having a killer night-both in adorable speeches and winning (not in that order).

11:10: Queen Latifah sings for In Memorium.

11:18: Sid Ganis isn't making a speech, hallelujah! Reese Witherspoon presents the Best Director. Her eyeshadow matches the dress, which is never a good choice if you're not from Jersey. My choice is Christopher Nolan I mean Danny Boyle. Poor Dark Knight. In other news, there's 11 minutes left with the 4 biggest awards to go. It's laughable to imagine it being on-time. And the Academy Award goes to... Danny Boyle for Slumdog Millionaire. He's jumping like Cuba! He said he would receive the award as Tigger to his kids a long time ago, which is fabulous.

11:24: Best Actress is presented by five previous winners: Sophia Loren (boobs!), Shirley MacLaine, Halle Berry, Nicole Kidman, & Marion Cotillard. The ladies get a standing ovation and they all look amazing, all to the tune of the theme of Gone with the Wind. My vote is for Meryl Streep, who was simply stunning as Sister Aloysious in Doubt. Shirley presents Anne, who barely holds in the tears. Marion presents Kate, who is clearly a lost cause emotion-wise. Halle presents Melissa Leo, from one independent movie sister to another. Sophia, the goddess, the perfect, presents Meryl, and what an honor for Meryl. Hand cocked on her hip, Sophia works it with better cleavage than most women could even dream of, and Meryl being the fellow goddess she is doesn't cry. Nicole presents Angelina, and almost looks human (great for her!). Angelina looks way too cool, but it seems she's breathing quickly (nervous? Angelina? never). The Academy Award goes to Kate the Mullet, who gets a standing O. Angelina lets Kate touch her arm, now Kate is truly the winner. She's not crying yet, there may be hope. She is no longer the biggest loser, good for her. Ricky Gervais was totally right, do a Holocaust film and you will win an Oscar.

11:35: Best Actor (five over already) as presented by Robert DeNiro, Ben Kingsley, Anthony Hopkins, Adrian Brody, & Michael Douglas (they also got a standing O, though not for as long because they're not Sophia). My pick is Mickey Rourke, but it's a wild one. It's basically between him and Sean, so flip a coin and choose for yourself. Michael presents Frank Langella as Nixon. Bobby DeNiro presents Sean and is either wearing a perfect suit or has lost weight (I'm going with suit). Adrian presents Richard Jenkins while looking like a mountain man (I had no idea Jews could be mountain men- fabulous). Anthony presents Brad Pitt, and they starred together in Meet Joe Black and if I remember correctly Legends of the Fall. Ben Kingsley presents Mickey who looks so nervous he's shaking, and is introduced as "the returning champ." And the Oscar goes to... Sean Penn for Milk, who gets another standing ovation (he got one for Mystic River as well, his second win). Screenwriter Lance Black is crying and Sean is clearly tickled. He tones his rhetoric down and makes a lovely speech.

11:47: The last award! Steven Spielberg presents Best Picture (17 minutes over). My pick is for The Dark Knight, I mean Slumdog Millionaire. They link the movie's themes with previous nominees, which turns out quite clever and pleasing. And the Oscar goes to... Slumdog Millionaire!!!! They get a standing O and are clearly thrilled, as it appears the entire cast and crew are on the stage crying and hugging. The kids are so adorable!! Anil, the host in the movie, takes the Oscar and pumps it in the air, what a lovely end. And only 25 minutes over. Phew. I'm so relieved.